Shit Happens

Monday, October 09, 2006

Monday Monday

I want to write about how I LOVE EVERYONE. Yes, even at 8:30 a.m. on Monday morning. I love YOU.

I'm tired of being a grouch.

My good mood may have just snagged me a corn maze date. He's very cute - he enjoys spongebob cartoons and air guitar. He's only four but he's honest, has his priorities straight and laughs a lot.

My kind of man.

I didn't shower this morning and feel absolutely disgusting. Sometimes I think I have super powers, which involve not sleeping for days. I know, I'm the lamest super hero ever. I'm the dirty, smelly one in the back with bug-eyes that doesn't get invited to any of the super hero parties.

I'll work on the cleanliness part.

Friday, October 06, 2006

GIANT CONDOMS (take THAT google)

I stole Things in Rubbers from the The Hot Librarian.

It's really things in rubbers.

And I love rubbers! I just bought a 12-pack of giant ones, GIANT CONDOMS that I can put GIANT THINGS into. (take that as you will) I have minimal experience with giant condoms, so I'm not sure if they come in packs smaller than 12. GIANT CONDOMS, GIANT QUANTITIES??

Maybe so.

I would assume men who require GIANT CONDOMS may need GIANT QUANITITIES of condoms to accomodate the GIANT amount of ass they receive (this is why my blog is annonymous!).

And since I haven't gotten laid more than three times in a single week during the course of my GIANT CONDOM use, I should have GIANT CONDOMS to spare.

I'm so overwhelmed with excitement I can't decide what to put in them first. Ohhh, and since I don't need to keep my bacon/rubber ducky/dead fish "safe," I can reuse one GIANT CONDOM for all of my GIANT CONDOM photo needs.

And yes, I wish I had a photo to accompany this post. ;)


I'm fully aware I need to branch out and write about things besides violent sex and wet thighs. It's doubtful ...


My thighs unhinge when you speak
of Hemingway and Fitzgerald
an oiled joint made moist in agreement
"Except the Old Man..."
the crusted red rust has fallen
between my ankles as if something old
and weathered can be made new again

I step on the fragile fragments
attempting to hide the things I know
you don't want to see I brush
the brown dust from the top sides of my knees
where you just removed your hand
only feeling smooth, clean flesh

As if the past doesn't exist
and all the things we regret have been
set free by the silent creaking
of my two legs I'm screaming
"thank you!"
in my mind for not betraying me
this once


My computer is still doing the weird spacing thing (see post below). And right now I can't unbold the first sentence in this post. Or erase it. Any suggestions?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I think this is great

Thursday, September 28, 2006


I just re-read "Post Office" and it wasn't as good I remembered. I want to re-read "Women" next, I don't think it's capable of causing disappointment (Is there a hyphen there? I try to hyphenate everything).

And I've been talking shit about Buk's poetry, which I generally think is terrible, but I just found this gem and may re-think my criticisms.

from: Love is A Mad Dog From Hell

I don't know how many bottles of beer
I have consumed while waiting for things
to get better
I don't know how much wine and whisky
and beer
mostly beer
I have consumed after
splits with women-
waiting for the phone to ring
waiting for the sound of footsteps,
and the phone to ring
waiting for the sounds of footsteps,
and the phone never rings
until much later
and the footsteps never arrive
until much laterwhen my stomach is coming up
out of my mouth
they arrive as fresh as spring flowers:
"what the hell have you done to yourself?
it will be 3 days before you can fuck me!"

the female is durable
she lives seven and one half years longer
than the male, and she drinks very little beer
because she knows its bad for the figure.

while we are going mad
they are out
dancing and laughing
with horney cowboys.

well, there's beer
sacks and sacks of empty beer bottles
and when you pick one up
the bottle fall through the wet bottom
of the paper sack
spilling gray wet ash
and stale beer,
or the sacks fall over at 4 a.m.
in the morning
making the only sound in your life.

rivers and seas of beer
the radio singing love songs
as the phone remains silent
and the walls stand
straight up and down
and beer is all there is.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Help those who can not help themselves

I really love Scarlett Johansson. I love her in ways that are abnormal for a heterosexual woman to love another woman. But it's S-JH, YO.

And I hate shopping. I HATE SHOPPING. (did you know I hate shopping? especially when it involves clothing) I can't say for sure if I had a formal flying-jumpsuit that I wouldn't wear it off the airfield.

I tend to wear the same clothes over and over, my favorite shirts are a pair of (grey) men's beaters I bought to camp in two years ago - I try to alternate. I also enjoy a purple Bright Eyes t-shirt that may, or may not, be much too small for me.

But look at what I saw foor Scarlett in on Go Fug Yourself. It makes me sad and I think she should take it off immediately.

***On a far less interesting note, everything I write gets pushed down the page like this. Sometimes, it will let me move it up (it happens in Word too) but usually I erase the entire document when I try to delete the space. Does anyone know why this is happening and how to fix it??***

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Tube advice needed

I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor is my new favorite song (I just found it yesterday). I'm extra-uncool when it comes to music and probably like these guys because they sound like the White Stripes (which I recognize) and are pretty hot, all nerdy and British.


I'm too lazy to find something for HNT. I'm irritated with my job. I'm not getting enough sex. I fucking hate doctors.


HOWEVER, I am getting my tubes tied very soon. I told them to schedule me for a laparoscopic procedure, where they go in through your belly button and burn them up. But there's a newer way my MD recommended called essure, where they go in vaginally, through the cervix, insert coils in the tubes and they scar closed. (they check three months later to make sure it took)

Laparoscopic is slightly less expensive so I chose that, but I really have no preference. Does anyone know anything about this??

Creepy picture, because I can.

Monday, September 18, 2006

I miss being young, skinny (and high)

I went to a friend's going away party over the weekend.

Although it made me feel old and boring, it was nice seeing my H.S. girl friends. I kind of wish I never would have went away to school and instead did things like nanny in Argintina and move to Colorado, just for fun.

I did hear my favorite comment ever,

"You know I think of you everytime I get eaten out."

This is why parents shouldn't let their children hang out with older kids.