It's nearly 5pm, and I'm not sleeping. I'm suppose to go in to work tomorrow from 1-5pm, which I fully plan on doing, but it's looking tougher and tougher the longer I'm awake. I took some tylonal pm, mostly for the leftover achiness from my illness, but sleep aides generally don't put me to sleep; they just make me feel weird.
I received a call this weekend from an ex-bf. I have 3 decently significant exes in my life (none of which who read this blog), the first I have pretty much weeded out of my life, the second weeded me from his, and than there is this guy.
This guy is the only guy I have ever dated who maybe saw ALL of my faults, and loved me anyway. And I can be a downright selfish bitch. He didn't pretend I was perfect, but he accepted me exactly the way I was and did whatever was in his power to compromise with me and make me happy. At the time, as much as I appreciated it and knew it was special, I couldn't even grasp how he could feel this way about me and still be happy himself.
I decided he was weak, a pushover, and not smart enough for me; ultimately, I cheated on him, which he would have forgiven (I did tell him right away, and it was a kiss cheating, nothing likr sex), but I dumped him anyway.
My mistakes are kind of irrelevant in this story, for now at least. I just think they are worth mentioning because I often become high and pious, as if I have never screwed someone over, with no fault of their own. And irrelevance aside, it does make it more "juicy".
And since then, as friends, he has made his own pretty significant mistakes. (that effect me) We might be pretty close to "even" by now.
Obviously, I was wrong for cheating on him, and I'm not trying to explain that away.
I think about how he accepted me and made me feel about our relationship and to some extent, myself. I assume if we were to give it another try now, I would have some of the same complaints about him, and he could probably never totally forgive me for breaking his trust.
Now, being slightly older and wiser (hah), I wonder how long it will take for me to find that again and if I would give it up as easily. No one's perfect, right? I like to pretend I'll find someone who "has it all", but how feasible is that? If I just hold out will I find someone with the ex qualities- unconditional love/acceptance, sense of humor, nice family/friends, 101% trustworthy AND the qualities I have found in other men- but far from the whole package-intellectual stimulation, direction/drive, passion for my lame writing, all of it together?
I already know what this ex gave me, or what we had together ,is what is ultimately important, but I still don't feel I ruined it with the love of my life or anything. Sometimes, it is tempting to "settle(?)" and see if I could get that back and go from there, but that seems improbable (although not impossible) for a number of reasons.
He mentioned spending New Years with me, which I'm okay with either way. He's a fun guy and knows a lot of my friends, no pressure to entertain there. But I do think about these past things, which sort of makes me think I should "weed" him from my life, instead of dealing with any of this. We've sort of talked about getting back together before, and he's said he could forgive me, and he's said he would want to do it, but I sort of think once someone lets you down the way I did did him, you can't really forgive it completely. And as much as I love (and loath) time, in some ways, it changes very little.
Uck. It's late. I'm weird from being sick and PMS. It's probably a waste to even think of these things. But it does seem, as far as him and I are concerned, that now's the time to "do it" if that's what we want. And honestly, I want all this love and acceptance and support, but I don't even know if I have it in me to deal with someone else in that way right now. I don't like talking on the phone, or balancing between friends and boys- it's even even so long since I've had sex I'm (almost!) used to it. Why mess up a good (celibate-haha) thing?
