Shit Happens

Thursday, December 23, 2004

how many more days of this

I fucking hate PMS. I don't want babies, I don't appreciate the enlarged swollen breasts (my goddamn breats are big enough as it is!), I don't even want my damn overies. It makes me a little crazy and I'm really sick of it. For a few days out of EVERY MONTH I feel like shit. I cry a lot. If you tell me you can't hang out because you have to visit your dying granny in the hosbital, I may take it personally, cry some more, and then maybe yell at you. This is neither enjoyable or acceptable. :(

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Going to hell, getting married, & Meet the Fockers

I'm at work, waiting for the Christmas Eve service hand-outs I created to print. I had to find clip art and such for it. I'm amazed over how much Christian related clip art, printing services, bulletin formats, etc are available on line. I saw something that came here in the mail from some creation science church that had a picture if their cutie tech guy in it. I guess he's a mini-minster too, and as soon as they "find him a wife" they can send him out to preach across the country. What pressure, not only does he face the possibility of going to hell, he needs to find a wife ASAP (he looked pretty young!). I'm sure glad god didn't call me into the ministry.
Tonight I'm going to the gym for the first time since Friday. I think I'm finally well enough I won't pass out or puke or anything else more embarrassing than usual. Then Jess and I are planning to see Meet the Fockers. If you're interested in going, give one of us a call.

Court Gossip

My lawyer called me today with some "gossip". He ran into one of the jurors from my trial at a restaurant. The guy said that the entire jury immediately realized I was innocent, minus one person. 11-1. That an "injustice had been done" with me being accused. All the jury members, besides this one mystery person, whom quickly came around, thought the trial was ridiculous.
I don't know if I should be excited that 11/12 people observed my innocence immediately, or be highly disturbed that with the evidence presented, that even one person questioned who was at fault. I wish I could have video taped it. Their witness appeared to be a drug addict, who may or may not have been high in court, and the "accuser" was an obviously bad liar. Add that to outstanding "lawyering" by my lawyer, and the bumbling idiot their lawyer appeared to be, and it was more than apparent more than a few things didn't add up in their version of events. I think this one person should be banned from future juries, citing bad judgment. What if the guy (I actually assume it was a female) was on a murder jury and wrongly convicted someone to death because they didn't like what the defendant was wearing, or however else this person decides guilt.
I'm not complaining, I'm mildly amused. But I do find it damn scary how important a jury becomes. It almost doesn't matter what you did, or didn't, do but solely whom is on your jury, and to some extent, how good your lawyer is. Guilt and innocence is incidental.
The thing I have been curious about it the girls' reactions. They were so bitter and adamant about taking me to court, having it their way, offering me bum deals and holding out for a conviction. I haven't really heard anything about their reaction. They put a lot of time and effort into trying to make my life difficult and as miserable as possible, taking me to court wasn't one single descion, it was 7 months of harassing the state's attorney and plotting to screw me. I want to know what happened when they heard I was found innocent. Unfortunately, the "defendant" wasn't in the courtroom when the verdict was read, she spent the entire trial, minus her testimony, in the hallway. (I wonder how she felt about that, I got pretty bored in the courtroom, a day in a half spent in the hallway would have been even worse) Anyone hear any "gossip" about it? After all the shit I went through, I feel I have at least earned hearing about their outrage. hah

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Safe

My mom was cleaning little Chrissy's room and found a safe. It's small, she found it under his bed. Mom was upset Chris didn't tell her he bought it. I asked her what he was suppose to say, "Mom, I got a safe because you are nosey, but I'm not telling you what's inside and I am going to hide it under my bed".
Mom bought a disposable camera and already took pictures with the safe under the Christmas tree, in the back of Chris's truck w/ Duke, and on a walk with Duke. Yes, my mother carried it across the street to get pictures in which it appears Duke is both peeing and pooping on he safe. Mom plans to bring it to work for pictures and wants to take it to the steps of the old state capital. I told her that they might think she is a terrorist and ask her to open the safe, in which she doesn't have a key. Then, when they force it open and find glow-in-the-dark condoms and a blow up doll, she will have to explain herself to security, and everyone else who sees the front page of the newspaper.
My brother is ULTRA protective over this things. So the s will make him a little crazy. (my mom and brother may be equally crazy- although Chris hides it better)
After Mom finishes this roll of film, she is going to give it to Chris to develop at Sam's. (he works in the photo department) So he sees the pictures of Duke in his clothes, and peeing on his safe, as they develop.
I'm just lucky I turned out normal...

flu vs preggers

My computer at work got new guts. The disc drive works (and I never had to take responsibility for it's breakdown, by the way, Phil) - it hasn't restarted on me once!
I'm still a little sick. I have a decided that being sick is a lot like being pregnant. (which I am definitely NOT- nosy)
They both involve throwing up and certain food aversions. Weight flucuations. Both will get you attention and, sometimes, sympathy. Vitamins can be helpful during both illness and pregnancy. Drinking is a bad idea in both situations. You get cranky.
At least the flu only lasts a few days...
My mom asked me last night if she could tell me something w/o me getting offended. I said, "Don't say it, it will offend me." She didn't listen. She told me that regularly I can be a bitch, but when I am sick I can be a really, really big bitch.
I get my tact from her.
Dad update: When I got home from work yesterday, I noticed he was in the driveway, engine running, taking a little nappy. This is not unusual. About 10 minutes later he comes inside the house, changes his clothes, and heads back out. Then he comes back in, his car won't start, so he takes my mom's. My mom tells him not to "put any crap in it". (he destroys cars) Then, I wake up last night and decide to run out for some juice around 3am, I open the back door to find his keys in the lock!! This is also not unusual.
Coming soon: While cleaning my 19-yr-old brother's room, mom finds a safe in Chris's room. Mom decides to take the safe around town, taking pictures, to illitstrate that a safe, isn't really that safe.
She was upset Chris didn't tell her what was inside of it.

Monday, December 20, 2004

ex-bf musings

It's nearly 5pm, and I'm not sleeping. I'm suppose to go in to work tomorrow from 1-5pm, which I fully plan on doing, but it's looking tougher and tougher the longer I'm awake. I took some tylonal pm, mostly for the leftover achiness from my illness, but sleep aides generally don't put me to sleep; they just make me feel weird.
I received a call this weekend from an ex-bf. I have 3 decently significant exes in my life (none of which who read this blog), the first I have pretty much weeded out of my life, the second weeded me from his, and than there is this guy.
This guy is the only guy I have ever dated who maybe saw ALL of my faults, and loved me anyway. And I can be a downright selfish bitch. He didn't pretend I was perfect, but he accepted me exactly the way I was and did whatever was in his power to compromise with me and make me happy. At the time, as much as I appreciated it and knew it was special, I couldn't even grasp how he could feel this way about me and still be happy himself.
I decided he was weak, a pushover, and not smart enough for me; ultimately, I cheated on him, which he would have forgiven (I did tell him right away, and it was a kiss cheating, nothing likr sex), but I dumped him anyway.
My mistakes are kind of irrelevant in this story, for now at least. I just think they are worth mentioning because I often become high and pious, as if I have never screwed someone over, with no fault of their own. And irrelevance aside, it does make it more "juicy".
And since then, as friends, he has made his own pretty significant mistakes. (that effect me) We might be pretty close to "even" by now.
Obviously, I was wrong for cheating on him, and I'm not trying to explain that away.
I think about how he accepted me and made me feel about our relationship and to some extent, myself. I assume if we were to give it another try now, I would have some of the same complaints about him, and he could probably never totally forgive me for breaking his trust.
Now, being slightly older and wiser (hah), I wonder how long it will take for me to find that again and if I would give it up as easily. No one's perfect, right? I like to pretend I'll find someone who "has it all", but how feasible is that? If I just hold out will I find someone with the ex qualities- unconditional love/acceptance, sense of humor, nice family/friends, 101% trustworthy AND the qualities I have found in other men- but far from the whole package-intellectual stimulation, direction/drive, passion for my lame writing, all of it together?
I already know what this ex gave me, or what we had together ,is what is ultimately important, but I still don't feel I ruined it with the love of my life or anything. Sometimes, it is tempting to "settle(?)" and see if I could get that back and go from there, but that seems improbable (although not impossible) for a number of reasons.
He mentioned spending New Years with me, which I'm okay with either way. He's a fun guy and knows a lot of my friends, no pressure to entertain there. But I do think about these past things, which sort of makes me think I should "weed" him from my life, instead of dealing with any of this. We've sort of talked about getting back together before, and he's said he could forgive me, and he's said he would want to do it, but I sort of think once someone lets you down the way I did did him, you can't really forgive it completely. And as much as I love (and loath) time, in some ways, it changes very little.
Uck. It's late. I'm weird from being sick and PMS. It's probably a waste to even think of these things. But it does seem, as far as him and I are concerned, that now's the time to "do it" if that's what we want. And honestly, I want all this love and acceptance and support, but I don't even know if I have it in me to deal with someone else in that way right now. I don't like talking on the phone, or balancing between friends and boys- it's even even so long since I've had sex I'm (almost!) used to it. Why mess up a good (celibate-haha) thing?

Sunday, December 19, 2004

People Should Know When They Are Conquered

(watching the Gladiator)
So I spent the latter half of my weekend SICK. Not regular, I-smoke-too-much, let-me-blame-the-homeless-people sick, but real life, up-all- night-puking sick. Let me tell you, it sucked.
Saturday night I barely slept at all and puked into the trash can by my bed pretty much on the hour. I kept my mom up, but she just assumed I had drank too mcuh and didn't come down to see if I was among the living until morning. To her credit, after she found out it was a real life sickness, she hung around and nursed me all day. (and for the record, I had had too drinks Friday night, a germ made me sick, not too much Captain)
I'm on my third movie of the weekend. I saw Paycheck and Finding Silverman for the first time; I wasn't very impressed by either. Now I'm watching Galditor, which I haven't seen forever, but ti was good the last time I saw it so I assume it will be good this time. I don't think there are any movies left at my house I haven't seen, besides Poncho Villa- any recomendations on that one?