Shit Happens

Monday, January 31, 2005

To All The Lovers...

Have you ever considered mailing all the bad poetry you've written about ex-bfs to them in a manilla envolope- either to remind them how terriable they are or give both of you a good laugh. I don't actually plan on doing that, but it's an interesting (ok, crazy) idea.

Phil, this one is for you.

To All The Lovers That Came Before Me

Some women get jealous. I
feel appreciative.

Thanks to you, my man is trained.
The seat is down, the floor dry
and the whiskers washed from the sink.

Because of you, I don’t get the classic, clueless
virgin. I’m not his first, his last,
and maybe not even much of the middle. But
I benefit from his practice.

I don’t have to reaffirm penis size or try
novel positions. He has old habits,
but because of you, they’re not bad. You taught
him how to fall in love, when to fight fair,
the value of foreplay.

I taught him good head.

I hear you were boring in bed; thank you---
for making me exciting. With you, he hid
his hardcore porn while snubbing any girl friends. You coddled
him in secure comments, “I could never be attracted
to anyone but you”. I have a roving eye,
but you trained him not to get jealous.

He did propose and nearly married you, but
I get good sex. You worry you wasted
6 years; I’m concerned about committing
6 weeks.


  • At 9:48 AM, Blogger Blog ho said…

    sweet poem.

  • At 4:03 PM, Blogger philo said…

    this was always one of my favorites. of course. i like the new parts, but they seem rough. like the head part makes it sound like we practiced on another dude together. it was good, but if i was supposed to be learning something, i woulda brought a notebook.


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