Shit Happens

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Kidney Stones

I talked to my dad last night (briefly). He did go to the doctor and does have (5) kidney stones. However, I didn't ask how they knew there were 5 in there. My mom said there is one in each kidney; she didn't specify the location of the other 3.

The last time I had kidney stones they had to X-Ray to find the suckers. I knew they were in there, since I was doubled over in pain. As far as I know, you have to X-Ray for them, or strain your pee looking for them as they come out to know for sure if they are there (possibly after they are zapped with a laser). I've never had to do the straining, and I kind of think I wouldn't, I would just take my chances, if the pain went away, I would assume the stone left.

Let me tell you about the X-Ray process for kidney stones. First, you have to empty your entire bladder, intestines(?), etc. This means no food or liquid for like 12 hours. Maybe I got water, I can't remember. Then, you give yourself an enema, like the porn stars do before ass sex, to clear the rest out. In case you've never had to do this, it involves squirting saline in your ass so everything that is in there empties out. (hey, if I had to go through it, you have to hear about it) This alone would ruin my career as a porn star, it's pretty damn gross.

Next, you go to the hospital and get injected by a huge needle filled with blue dye. You can feel it burn as it goes through your body. You wear a paper hospital gown and remove any jewelry. My tampon showed up on the screen. The doctor thought this was great. Like she found a secret.

In addition to tampons, and anything you happen to miss when you empty your bowels, stones show up. Then they decide whether to zap them or make you drain your pee to ensure propper passing. Theoretically, they can block your bladder and kill you.

My dad said he can't get into the urologist until Monday, they just gave him obscene painkillers, which barely touch the pain, until then. :(

The pain from kidney stones is suppose to be comparable to the pain of giving birth. I don't know of anyone who has had both to ask to find out if this is actually true.

They give you epidurals for babies...

8 Comments:

  • At 3:04 PM, Blogger Rockstar Jessie said…

    ouch!

     
  • At 3:41 PM, Blogger Blog ho said…

    that was gorgeous. the thought of a saline enema made my testes rise up into my throat.

     
  • At 3:57 PM, Blogger Marilyndrew said…

    I knew you would like that

     
  • At 5:30 PM, Blogger JLHB said…

    You don't even want to know about the enema I got. Do you?

     
  • At 8:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    When I had glowing tummy x-rays my tampon and star belly button ring showed up...my doctor also thought she was discovering secret treasure!
    Anna

     
  • At 8:47 AM, Blogger Marilyndrew said…

    everyone should have an enema story...and treasures in their tummy

     
  • At 9:16 AM, Blogger K- said…

    No enema story here. Just a removal of a fat bastard spleen and a mini me spleen.

     
  • At 10:05 AM, Blogger Marilyndrew said…

    i LOVE IT when you talk about the mini spleen

     

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