Shit Happens

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

More Men

I've decided it's impractical and a waste to date anyone under 35. I've come to this decision after knowing 20-something guys; dating them isn't necessary in order to have this further confirmed. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to learn from our own mistakes.

Some Obvious and recurring Problems:

1) "Suddenly got hot disease" (which sometimes runs concurrent with "suddenly single")
I believe it was my friend Jess (JLHB) who originally came up with this. We use it referring to men, but it definitely applies to women equally.

Some people go through grade school as "ugly ducklings" and then "swan" as they get older and suddenly feel like hot shit. Although we are excited that you finally got laid, you were ugly before, you will be ugly again. And all the time you wasted chasing "hot" tail will prove to be wasted by the time you turn 40, because all those lowly, "average" looking women you meant to settle down with one day, have already happily married your "average" looking friends.

2) No matter how much ass a younger (please tell me they grow out of it!) guy gets, he wants more, from more women. It's insatiable. He could be seeing a humanitarian-rocket scientist-former-Miss-America and still need to see what else is out there. IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS DUDE!!

3) Guys want to impress their friends.
Maybe you're balding, maybe you have a small cock. This is not our problem. Don't use us to impress your friends because we're blonde, busty, etc. I believe this is left over from frat party days where the coolest guy in the house had approximately 8 years to perfect drinking the fastest beer bong or picking up a freshman. (who just stay the same age...) You know who I'm talking about.

Let me give you an update, that guy's a loser and selling drugs out of his mother's basement. It's time you moved on to impressing your friends with more mature antics, like over-sized electronics and super bowel tickets.

4) Men might joke about how crazy women are, but you're the damn crazy ones! You walk into a man's apartment and his laundry is on the floor, his sheets look like they are solid enough to walk away on their own, and he only has beer and butter in the fridge. I'm thinking older guys can at least afford maids.

The worst part is, men seem to be "finding" themselves for like 20 years. They need constant ego boosts because there are all these things they know they should be doing, but just haven't taken their balls out of their purse long enough to actually do them. I figure around age 35 a man stops blaming women for his mistakes and realizes he is a screw up that can stand on his own.

I could go on and on all day I'm sure but some guys complained about the last list, explaining that they could not keep track of more than 3 points


  • At 9:55 AM, Blogger JLHB said…

    Hey chica. Just Got Cool disease is my favorite one. The champion of this disorder is Patrick Dempsey in "Can't Buy Me Love."

    I like your reasons to avoid the opposite of sex. I will ascribe to them when people ask why I'm not dating.

    Thanks, MM!

  • At 10:34 AM, Blogger said…

    I think your mom is right... you are one raging _____ this week.

    Hate the men. I guess that means no Shoo lovin.

  • At 10:40 AM, Blogger ~ L. said…

    Hey girl, saw that you posted on my page :) Thanks:) Checked your site out, it's cute, thanks for putting a smile on my face, its too funny and sadly true!...

  • At 10:43 AM, Blogger Marilyndrew said…

    shoo-this is an equal opportunity "swear" site, "bitch" is more than acceptable, you can even type in the "f-word"---hey, i'm not trying to impress any underage parents

  • At 1:14 PM, Blogger Julia said…

    I think what happens when men hit 35 is: They start losing their looks and get scared of growing old alone so they realize they have to pull their head of the fantasy fairy's ass and come back down to earth.


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