Shit Happens

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Sex at Church Work

This is an exert from the church bulletin this week. Seriously. They have me work on this stuff all the time. They're serious about it. I had no idea the extent of the delusion. I'm sure I'm just bitter because I'm going to hell.

For God wants you to be holy and pure and to keep clear of all sexual sin so that each of you will marry in holiness and honor-- not in lustful passion as the heathen do, in their ignorance of God and his ways. And this also is God's will: that you never cheat in this, as we have solemnly told you before. For God has not called us to be dirty-minded and fill of lust but to be holy
and clean.

(emphasis mine)

First off, I didn't know that regular Christian people used the word "heathen". I thought it was reserved for southern Baptists that don't dance and Catholics that blow smoke and do what they want anyway. (they know what's up. "here's what you're suppose to do, but realistically, we don't expect anyone to actually do it, so how about we make you a standing appointment for bi-weekly confession...)

When I was younger, I had fantasies for years of having sex in a church. Generally a Catholic church because that's what a grew up with. A confessional, possibly with a priest. But now that I have keys and 24-hour access to church, it's not as appealing. Maybe I just got older and am now more "mature". Although I still don't know if I could turn down a Priest...

My life doesn't really revolve around sex. Really. It's more like an exciting hobby I don't get to indulge in often enough. Like sky diving or paintball. (although I've never done either, they both sound fun, and like they require some level of commitment) I'm sure once I am actually having sex regularly I'll start writing about pink flowers and fluffy bunnies and everyone will think I'm sick, but it will really be my "gett'n some regularly" personality.

I just hope I don't have to start paying for it...


  • At 3:41 PM, Blogger Blog ho said…

    if you write about bunnies I won't come back. sex is interesting. bunnies are not. unless you're having sex w/ bunnies.

    Now then. do the bulletins talk about the number of sexual partners you should have in a week?

  • At 6:20 PM, Blogger Marilyndrew said…

    the entire sermon was addressed toward men and stealing other people's wives. since i'm not a man and not married it doesn't apply to me. i'm safe.

    for now.

    not coming back, that's your threat??
    i don't believe you. i think you'd still check back from time to time to check if the old dirty melissa had poked her slutty little head

  • At 6:27 PM, Blogger baggiegenes said…

    Yeah, sex in a church doesn't really sound that great.

    Now, streaking through the middle of a sermon, there is a good idea.

    Maybe when they come and ask you if you have finished working on that, you should say "Sorry, I'm just so worn out from the nine guys that were tag teaming me last night". After they are done shitting their pants, you can say "just kidding, here it is."

  • At 7:40 PM, Blogger Blog ho said…

    yeah, i'd come back. but i wouldn't be happy.

    mr. genes has a funny idea, though.

  • At 10:05 PM, Blogger Marilyndrew said…

    genes- if i didn't need my job, i would be all over the gang-bang suggestion.

  • At 10:41 PM, Blogger aughra said…

    Does your church have the handy little pull down bench for your knees when you fall prostrate before g-o-d?

  • At 1:09 PM, Anonymous The Spud King said…

    I had sex in a church with my girlfriend one time. It was different, but nothing special. The location I mean not the actual act. The act was good.

    Am I rambling....uh... yes.


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