Shit Happens

Monday, February 14, 2005

This Valentine's Day...

On the few occations I actually have work, I love not doing work! It's like I'm getting back at the man for all the times he's made me sit here with NOTHING to do. (we won't mention who "the man" is in this situation, and why it's best to stay on his good side)

So it's Valentine's Day. I was going to just ignore it, but I just don't do subtlety well. And when I woke up this morning, my mom had left me a sweetie card and some chocolate! It's no mystery where all my sugar-and-spice-and-all-things-nice came from. "Momma Macomber"! (as Anna likes to call her, which is much catchier than plain old "Mary Papish")

A friend and I were talking this weekend in what I look for in men. I'm convinced that he's going to surprise me and is ordering me a groom from Russia. He's so thoughtful. He did say all the traits I listed were physical/sexual, which kind of surprised me, because that's not where I perceive myself placing importance. OK, sex yes, but sex can be worked at. At worked at some more. And if classes, instructional videos, or how-too sessions are in order, I'm willing to go through those too... I'm a committed girl, if you can't tell.

I guess "big nose, floppy hair, and a passion for oral sex" were unacceptable answers.

So here are the real ones:

In real life, I want honesty. I don't care about stupid things- tell me you watched football at your buddy's house when you were really watching porn with 18-yr-old slutty chicks, and don't tell me your ex-girlfriend called, if you know it's going to upset me. Just don't let me find out about it. And eat shit if I do. I have many (MANY) faults, but being dishonest isn't one of them, and I get extremely irritated, even violent, when I have to deal with it from a man.

Be fun. It is not my responsibility to entertain you. You are an adult, if you're bored, go do something. Sometimes, I am boring and sit around the house reading, while smoking a lot of cigarettes. If you find this lame, go watch some football or something. Unless you want sex, you're on your own.

Which brings me to my next point; I am not your mother. I don't cook. I probably won't cook for you, and if I do, come prepared with some heartburn medicine or something. I'm irresponsible enough on my own, I will not assuage your jealousy, laziness, or immaturity. These things are not my problem. Get over them.

I want someone else who is emotionally and psychologically an adult. No games. No babying. No manipulation.

I'm nice. I do nice things and will often tell you what a stud you are and how all the ladies drool over you. I will rub your back and get you a beer out of the fridge. However, I'm still me. I'm not going to dress better, lose weight, wear more make-up, or do anything else that compromises me for your ego and for you too look better to your friends.

There is not better feeling then to be loved and accepted exactly the way you are.

I expect you to be nice in return. I enjoy being spoiled and put on a pedestal. If you do this well, enough I will do extraodinaryly thoughtful things like your laundry or give you morning head before you have showered.

You have to get along with my family. I know they're loony, but I'm stuck with them, so you are too.

I don't like fighting. It's stressful and it sucks. Talk to me instead of instigating a fight, and have some patience with me when I'm cranky.

AND an exceptionally high sex drive doesn't hurt anything.

I know, I'm going to be single for the rest of my life, living a lone with my 3 legged dogs and one-eyed cats.

I think this is better than settling. I'm only 23. I have a feeling at 33 my list is going to be down to "have a job" and "able to get it up". : /


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