Shit Happens

Monday, November 21, 2005

in case you didn't already think i was a heartless bitch

Look, it's nice that you have sex. Especially if you're married, married people are generally too angry and bitter over their Big Mistake to have sex but you provide me with a dull, slightly nauseating hope through your boring married sex.

However, I am not impressed/excited/feel any urge to congratulate you in your ability to procreate. Cockroaches are able to reproduce. I hate to be the one (OK, I enjoy it just a little - a lot) to break it to you, but getting pregnet is like getting caught stealing and having your hand cut off. A chronic disease that you're going to be stuck with for life.

Only this one is exceptionally expensive and time consuming. You have turned yourself into a pod, like in Space Balls when the alien pops out in the diner. Only this alien grows and sucks out important nutrients for nine months. Almost an entire year where you progressively get fatter and become less attractive, a warning sign for anyone else who may consider having sex with you. All you have to look forward to is when the watermelon finally expels itself from your twat.

Yes. Twat. A twat that may be photographed or filmed by your closest family members while it becomes stretched out like a rubber band, never again regaining its elasticity.

You can now look forward to a life of staying home while your husband/boyfriend/mailman goes to the bar to watch football while you stay up to clean up your precious bundle of joy's piss and shit. And if you ever decide to leave this man, your conciliation prize will be a token payment and a guarantee that you will have to put up with every slut he brings home for the next 18 years, and his attempts to avoid his mandatory one tenth time share with your soul sucking leach.

Your kid is probably cute and hopefully you like the thing, because it's not going anywhere. Sex offenders and felons don't lose custody of their children, so god knows you're going to have to keep yours. I may come over to babysit, but I will not spank it or play make believe, pretending there is a santa/easter bunny/jesus with your brat.

I may inform your box of noise that he is lucky to be your child because if he were mine, and I was unable to auction him off on e-bay, that I may leave him on nearest convent doorstep. Non because I think nuns make good mothers, but as punishment for giving me a headache and the sixtieth time he asked for candy.

16 Comments:

  • At 1:13 PM, Blogger K- said…

    Wow.

     
  • At 1:15 PM, Blogger Amanda said…

    You crack me up. I really like the pod part. Kinda makes me want to take extra birth control.

     
  • At 1:16 PM, Blogger Rockstar Jessie said…

    Meliss, do you need a hug? Or a drink? I could use a drink....mmmmm....drrriiiiinkkkkk.

     
  • At 1:41 PM, Blogger Marilyndrew said…

    kys - you like kids. and families. and lincoln town cars. and maybe white picket fences

    i like way spoiled pets. and space. and mazda maitas. and maybe an old house with space for all my future pets that will suck up all my money in repairs (money i will have because i will be living baby free)

     
  • At 1:43 PM, Blogger Marilyndrew said…

    amanda -

    i would take extra birth control every day of my life if i could.

    even the days(months)i don't have sex. and i try not to stand too close to women who are currently pregnet. and don't get me started and men who already have children and their supersperm

    jessie
    probably both

    i don't see you exactly itching to procreate either ;)

     
  • At 1:51 PM, Blogger K- said…

    White picket fences are cool. Not high ones though. I want it so that I can jump over pretty easily.

     
  • At 3:01 PM, Blogger Rockstar Jessie said…

    F-that. All in good time, I suppose, but I have a lot of havoc to wreak, motorcycles to ride, shit to stir up, red lipstick to wear, men to wile and whiskey to drink. Maybe that's why you and me understand each other.

     
  • At 3:39 PM, Blogger Marilyndrew said…

    i would have said "you and i understand one another"

    why did you chose "me" and "eachother"?

    sarah??

     
  • At 3:49 PM, Blogger Rockstar Jessie said…

    I chose it to add to the element of leudness I am so proud of....I think. :)

     
  • At 3:56 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said…

    hmm.

    hot wife.

    cool kids.

    great life.

    dunno about what you're saying

     
  • At 11:29 PM, Blogger Sum kinda princess said…

    I just remembered why I meant to take you off my list of links I like to visit. Go take a happy pill, you poor thing.

     
  • At 11:34 PM, Blogger Marilyndrew said…

    jessie

    you can never go wrong with luedness.

    i think

    ty

    you're family is some kind of freaky exception that slowly tears my theories

    thanks for not freaking out and delinking me like the princess girl

    because online insults hurt. it's like being insulted/disliked by a stranger in real life only less personal and an even bigger waste of time.

     
  • At 2:54 AM, Blogger philo said…

    i love families. i want one in every major city on the gulf coast. also, atlanta.

     
  • At 8:05 AM, Blogger Marilyndrew said…

    phil -

    that doesn't surprise me

    and i would believe you, except that i know you are too cheap to actually follow through

     
  • At 9:13 PM, Blogger philo said…

    my love don't cost a thing

     
  • At 8:07 AM, Blogger Marilyndrew said…

    but your 10 families would!!

     

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home