Shit Happens

Friday, February 04, 2005

Going to the Chapel...

The next person who tells me they are getting married or having babies I'm going to scream!!

That's an exaggeration, but 23 is sooo young. Anna sent me a sappy pic of my old housemate Doria (24) and her, beau, Paul (30-something). She doesn't get married until this summer, but already has a pic of them in our alumni magazine with his last name!! I might download the pic once I get hello on this computer, for a vishual.

Over Christmas, I heard of about 5 different couples getting engaged. WOW. I ran into Jessie Minor at Applebees this week who is also engaged. (HS gossip) My friend Leah, who had a complete faiy tale romance (literaily, it's sickenly cute!) and wedding is now ready for kids!!

Jeese. At least I'm not depressed and whiney about it like so many women seem to be. I have NO desire to get married and have babies anytime soon. (I actually NEVER want babies) I'm just sort of amazed. I suppose if I still feel like this when I'm 40 then it will be difinitvely proven I am missing essential female genes nessasry for the continuation of the human race.

HAHA

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Church Secretary Today

I just received my February issue of "Church Secretary Today". I swear, they all run together. Time management, separating work and god, office tips, separating work and church, learning to say no... Well, if I actually did any work maybe I would have something to say "no" about and maybe if I went to church I would feel guilty about hanging up on the old ladies and letting they know they are wrinkled infestations of satan himself.

That was uncalled for. And I like old people. Except when they drive.

I'm DYING of boredom at work, once again. I borrowed "The Life of Pi" from a friend; it looks good, but I'm just not into it yet. And it's hard to write at work, I'm paranoid about leaving something behind. I've read all the on line news, I've read a ton of blogs, looked at collegehumor.com, read my e-mail... any suggestions??

I really want a nap, but I slept in this morning (I actually got confused about the time and ended up an hour late for work) and skipped the gym, so I need to go tonight. If I nappy then I won't wake up until around midnight. At least I don't have work on Fridays.

AND

and i really like flowers and someone(s) should take pity on my on valentines day and give me some. or all go in and get me just one. i'm not picky.

that is all

Today's List

My favorite Things:
By MMM
smell of old books
backrubs
cuddling
sloths
turtles
hippos
asian nipples
laughing
penises
sex
oral sex
more sex
poem perfume
sharon olds
books
poetry
eating snow
Bob Dylan
screwdrivers
eyes that change colors
butts
boobs
long hair (females only)
big noses (males only)
my friends
my family
purple
reading
knitting
my initials
wresling
cubs baseball
playing catch
my nose
shoes
ketchup
That's all I can think of for now, but if you have anything to add there is space below.

Blood Letting

I did my civic duty yesterday; I gave the premie babies some of my special blood.

Have I told you about my special blood? (I brag about my blood all the time - I'm the girl to know if you you're ever going to need any) I have O-, which is the "slut blood". It can mix with any of the other bloods. AND I have some CVR immunity. I don't know what exact inishals are, but it has to do with chickenpox.

The 5% of the population with this CVR thing have super anti-bodies and our blood goes to people with weakened immune systems. (cancer patients, AIDS patients, premie babies) Last week when they called me they were like, "I'm sorry we keep harassing you, but we have 3 babies in the hospital right now". Who can say no that?!

In preparation for the blood letting, I treated myself to some ice cream and chicken nuggets. I read an Entertainment magazine from 1999 (literally) and then I'm called. The nurse is impressed by my iron level, women often have low iron, and we move to the blood chair.

I told her how I tried to give plasma before but the guy told me my veins were too small. They also have to recline my chair immediately, before they even poke me, so I don't get nautious.

These are all signs that yell "CAUTION!". She ignored these signs and stabbed away.

Let me revise, she DUG away. DUG in my arm. Poked my left arm twice, which hurts, but is bearable, and then moved the needles around while inside my inner elbow, trying to find a vain. It HURT.

Then she says, "Can I try your right arm?" I was very tempted to say "No bitch, you used up all your chances", but I was already there and the babies needed my blood. So I said ok.

Luckily, another nurse came over to do the other arm, NO PROBLEM; I overheard her say to the first nurse "Everyone has to learn somehow." WHAT??! I am not a geaniu pig! I hate giving blood, I do it because I have a guilty conscience. Test on a tough old man who doesn't mind.

The lady apologized over and over to the other nurse, who was apparently in charge of her, and just sort of acted like my veins were to blame and it wasn't her fault. My veins were the cause of my pain, not her. I hope she needs some of my special blood one day, I'm not satan, I would give her the blood to save her like, but I would tease her and poke her with big, sharp things before I gave it to her.

Last night I went home with TWO bright orange arm bands, it looks like I had tried to slit my elbows. They not only stole my blood, but turned me into freak to boot.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

T&A

I've been lookingat at www.collegehumor.com doing research for work. (seriously, we put funny pictures in the youth bulletins-I have to work sometime guys) Praying no one will come up behind me and see what I've been looking at, I've been busy checking out all the t&a.

Now, my ass is never going to be show worthy, the thing really should remain covered at all times, but it made me feel pretty good about my boobs. I don't have little springy size A tits that are going to stay perky into my 80s. (do they really stay "alert" that long? does anyone have any epxperience with small, elderly boobs and can fill me in??)

I've never really liked my nipples either, but after checking out all the college co-eds proudly showing off what their mommas gave them, things are looking up. Here are some stong points I came up with:

A) My nipples are the same size and pointing in the same direction
B) For large boobs, mine are firm and winning the fight against gravity.
C) The bigger my boobs are, the smaller it makes my stomache look.

I fell down the stairs (just 5) the other day and my mom told me that we busty ladies have to be careful because it is easy to hurt ourselves since can't see our feet. I thought it was much nicer than telling me I'm a clumsy bastard.

I'm really into lists lately. More to come.

T&A

I've been lookingat at www.collegehumor.com doing research for work. (seriously, we put funny pictures in the youth bulletins-I have to work sometime guys) Praying no one will come up behind me and see what I've been looking at, I've been busy checking out all the t&a.

Now, my ass is never going to be show worthy, the thing really should remain covered at all times, but it made me feel pretty good about my boobs. I don't have little springy size A tits that are going to stay perky into my 80s. (do they really stay "alert" that long? does anyone have any epxperience with small, elderly boobs and can fill me in??)

I've never really liked my nipples either, but after checking out all the college co-eds proudly showing off what their mommas gave them, things are looking up. Here are some stong points I came up with:

A) My nipples are the same size and pointing in the same direction
B) For large boobs, mine are firm and winning the fight against gravity.
C) The bigger my boobs are, the smaller it makes my stomache look.

I fell down the stairs (just 5) the other day and my mom told me that we busty ladies have to be careful because it is easy to hurt ourselves since can't see our feet. I thought it was much nicer than telling me I'm a clumsy bastard.

I'm really into lists lately. More to come.

Bitches and Backrubs

I've decided all I want in life is backrubs. I've been thinking about which skills I have in which to acquire these backrubs. This is what I came up with to bribe my friends:

Eddie: My (mom's) cookie making skills
Nattie: My KY wresseling skills
Shoo: I'll use my "look the other way" skills when you octopi arms wander during said rub
Blake: I'll show you my dart and movie picking out skills
Kyle: how to really "work" the door skills
Jessie: "how to dissolve your harem very quickly" skills
Laura: teach you "hold your liquor" skills
Anna: I can use my stop-hitting-on-your-boyfriend skills
Jess: absorb some of your "super genius" skills so you're life is less complicated
Farah: you're not really a "giver", so I want to take advantage of your pimp skills to get one of your hoes to do it for you

If anyone else is interested in my skills and is willing to neggociate, please let me know.
Thank you.

Circumcsion Herpes?

Uhhh, I'm not Jewish so maybe someone else can tell me what's up. I am familiar with circumcsion (imagine that), but I had no idea rabbi mouths were sometimes involved!

"Under Jewish law, a mohel -- someone who performs circumcisions -- draws blood from the circumcsion wound. Most mohels do it by hand, but Fischer uses a rare practice where he uses his mouth"

mohel mouth



Tuesday, February 01, 2005

10(ish) Things I'm Scared Of

This seems to be the newest (oldest?) blog tread, I'm jumping on.

1) Sharks
1) Never finishing school
1) Never getting my "dream" job
1) Falling in love
1) Trusting men (inside relationships)
1) Spending the majority of my adult life in the midwest
1) Never getting in shape the way I want too
1) Never quitting smoking (for good!)
1) Having kids
1) Letting my mother down
1) Not being as good (or the best possible) to my friends and family as they have been to me
1) Never being consistently happy
1) Never catching up on my bills
1) Never being (primarily) self-sufficient/reliant
1) Crying in front of people
1) Showing certain weaknesses
1) Worrying people
1) Never being the person I want to be

That's closer to 20, I'm sure. I labeled them all #1 for my convenience.

Jess, I'm all "in touch" w/ everything now. I'm so LA ;)

More and More Men

For the record I am not on a man rampage. I like men. LOVE men. They are essential during activities such as sex, and generally helpful during activities that involve heavy lifting or cooking. I enjoy drinking with men because, except for the pussies, they can hold their own, and if they can't, at least they don't expect me to hold their hair.

So don't get scared; I haven't turned into a hairy man bashing dyke, nor have I metamorphosed over-night into a gold digging sex kitten. (which doesn't sound half bad...) I'm just a little sick of males in general.

Not my buddies, they are great. Although it makes it even worse to hear the "nice" guys talk about women and dating. Unfortunately, except for an occational freak of nature, there doesn't seem to be any exceptions to these "rules". (except everyone who's getting/gotten married- but that's a whole nother post) That's one of the reasons for my 35 cut-off; all my friends are under pretty safely under 30-35, so I'm giving men the benefit of the doubt guys grow out of this stuff eventually.


Someone back me up here....

More Men

I've decided it's impractical and a waste to date anyone under 35. I've come to this decision after knowing 20-something guys; dating them isn't necessary in order to have this further confirmed. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to learn from our own mistakes.

Some Obvious and recurring Problems:

1) "Suddenly got hot disease" (which sometimes runs concurrent with "suddenly single")
I believe it was my friend Jess (JLHB) who originally came up with this. We use it referring to men, but it definitely applies to women equally.

Some people go through grade school as "ugly ducklings" and then "swan" as they get older and suddenly feel like hot shit. Although we are excited that you finally got laid, you were ugly before, you will be ugly again. And all the time you wasted chasing "hot" tail will prove to be wasted by the time you turn 40, because all those lowly, "average" looking women you meant to settle down with one day, have already happily married your "average" looking friends.

2) No matter how much ass a younger (please tell me they grow out of it!) guy gets, he wants more, from more women. It's insatiable. He could be seeing a humanitarian-rocket scientist-former-Miss-America and still need to see what else is out there. IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS DUDE!!

3) Guys want to impress their friends.
Maybe you're balding, maybe you have a small cock. This is not our problem. Don't use us to impress your friends because we're blonde, busty, etc. I believe this is left over from frat party days where the coolest guy in the house had approximately 8 years to perfect drinking the fastest beer bong or picking up a freshman. (who just stay the same age...) You know who I'm talking about.

Let me give you an update, that guy's a loser and selling drugs out of his mother's basement. It's time you moved on to impressing your friends with more mature antics, like over-sized electronics and super bowel tickets.

4) Men might joke about how crazy women are, but you're the damn crazy ones! You walk into a man's apartment and his laundry is on the floor, his sheets look like they are solid enough to walk away on their own, and he only has beer and butter in the fridge. I'm thinking older guys can at least afford maids.

The worst part is, men seem to be "finding" themselves for like 20 years. They need constant ego boosts because there are all these things they know they should be doing, but just haven't taken their balls out of their purse long enough to actually do them. I figure around age 35 a man stops blaming women for his mistakes and realizes he is a screw up that can stand on his own.

I could go on and on all day I'm sure but some guys complained about the last list, explaining that they could not keep track of more than 3 points

Monday, January 31, 2005

I am Marilyn

You are Marilyn Monroe!
You're Marilyn Monroe!


What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

do you know how many times i had to retake this damn quiz to get marilyn?!? i kept getting damn brigette berdot

Rules for Men

Here's some words of wisdom that I think will make a lot of guys' lives easier.

1)Don't sleep with your ex-girlfriend. Hire a prostitute if need be, but don't screw the ex.

2)Unless you are strongly considering reversing your decision, don't talk about the break-up w/ your ex after you do it. You dumped her; it's self-explanatory.

3)Don't sleep with a woman you knows likes you if you never plan on dating her.

4)On the reverse end, just because a woman sleeps with you does not mean she is actually interested in you for reasons other than her own sexual satisfaction/free drinks/attention.

5)Yes, women use men for sex too.

6) If a woman is dating someone else, or often talks about her interest in another guy, that means she is not interested in you. No, she is not playing hard to get, she just doesn't like you.

7) If a woman appears crazy, she probably is crazy. Once you get a whiff of crazy, RUN.

8) If you are in an argument with a female, and even hint that you think she might have PMS, she is not liable for anything that happens after this insinuation and you might as well start writing your obituary now.

9)Just because you think you seem hot/rich/smooth does not mean that women will agree. Once you get this impression from them, strongly consider a new approach.

10) The above rules will be added too and amended as we see fit.

Sleep

Now that I'm coming down from my coffee high, my day seems exceptionally tame. I tried to look on UIS's website for the deadlines for fall so I know when to schedule my GRE, need my professor recommendations by, etc. and IT'S A SECRET! I seriously can't find the deadlines for grad school for fall 2005. Maybe I got that early of a start on it. Haha. I think I am going to have to call a stranger about this. I hate calling strangers.

I'm also putting together a revised chapbook to submit with my application and with my requests for letters of recommendations. Hence all the posted poetry. I've been writing a little, but nothing is together enough even to blog. For now, it's all old pieces.

I read this at a reading in college in front of the English department, my then bf, some friends and my unfortunate mother and brother! So much for any pretense of innocence I might have pretended I once had with my family.

Sleep


The demon I no longer call
by his real name haunts me at
night, growing worse as the morning heat
persists, disappearing in the midday sun. Painfully
close, a lost lover. He stays
near, coming in on me, nearly turning me
on, stopping short.

I finger myself in
attempt to rid of him, cleanse my thoughts but
he pushes in my afterglow, remaining, watching.

I lost him four nights ago, for only a few
hours, long enough to dream of a new lover and
(real) sex. A day without falling lids, a dropping
jaw. But tonight we are together again, he watches my
ritual, and won't leave when
I come.

celebrity gossip

this is a fun celebrity gossip blog i found

http://gottagetitoffmychest.blogspot.com/

To All The Lovers...

Have you ever considered mailing all the bad poetry you've written about ex-bfs to them in a manilla envolope- either to remind them how terriable they are or give both of you a good laugh. I don't actually plan on doing that, but it's an interesting (ok, crazy) idea.

Phil, this one is for you.


To All The Lovers That Came Before Me


Some women get jealous. I
feel appreciative.

Thanks to you, my man is trained.
The seat is down, the floor dry
and the whiskers washed from the sink.

Because of you, I don’t get the classic, clueless
virgin. I’m not his first, his last,
and maybe not even much of the middle. But
I benefit from his practice.

I don’t have to reaffirm penis size or try
novel positions. He has old habits,
but because of you, they’re not bad. You taught
him how to fall in love, when to fight fair,
the value of foreplay.

I taught him good head.

I hear you were boring in bed; thank you---
for making me exciting. With you, he hid
his hardcore porn while snubbing any girl friends. You coddled
him in secure comments, “I could never be attracted
to anyone but you”. I have a roving eye,
but you trained him not to get jealous.

He did propose and nearly married you, but
I get good sex. You worry you wasted
6 years; I’m concerned about committing
6 weeks.


Over Easy

I feel alseep last night aroud 10pm, after popping 2 tylonal pms. I won't take sleeping pills, but since I can take tylonal pm under the premise of pain medication, I'm ok with it. I noticed when I went to put in my contacts this morning before the gy, (how do people sweat in glasses??) that I already had them in. I guess I can't handle my "pain relievers".

When I got to work this morning the "other Roy" was cleaning up. The other Roy is not like the "other white meat". This Roy knows when to stop his friendly chatting and that I don't need to hear what he has done for every second, of every minute, since I last saw him. This Roy does not make me crazy and want to rip out his tongue. The "other Roy" (who has been out for a month after falling off a roof, he said if the latter didn't break his fall, the conrete probably would have killed him, tough break) is definitely my preferred Roy.

Roy drinks coffee. I also enjoy coffee, but have never made my own. That is right, I have never placed a coffee filter wherever it goes, nor located the button you use to fill it with water. And I really don't know what to do with the beans. I've never had too. I have only been drinking coffee for less than a year and one of my homeless friends used to make it for me every morning.

Some of you may feel put off by a homeless man making your coffee. This guy had been in the shelter since being released from prison for child molestation. I actually really liked him, the times I made myself at least semi-forget about the children. He eventually moved out with this lady (who had children, but not custody of them, for an unknown reason) and a gay couple. And this guy was country. He thought hillbilly jokes were really funny and considered himself a redneck. He had a confederate flag tattoo on his arm, but he was from Southern Il. But he was okay with the gay (male) couple, which I found interesting.

Before that guy took over making my coffee, an Amazon black man named Kevin w/ missing teeth (apparently crack messes up your teath) made it for me. His wife was in jail and he was dating someone from his NA group.

Anyway, when I went to make my coffee this morning, I didn't know what to put in it. I knew they put something in it to make it creamy colored (no jokes, please!), but I didn't know if it was cream or sugar or milk or what. I finally put in one packet of cream and 2 packets of sugar. Is that normal? Do I drink really wussy coffee??

So the next time one of you guys are making me breakfast, that's how I take my coffee. And I like my eggs over easy.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Damn I Love to Procrastinate

All I did was type in my name, I don't know how it knew about the wooden spoon...
Your Sexual Profile (you sexual deviant you...)
by sparkledee
Name
Your Secret Kink ThingYou spank with a wooden spoon
Your Sexual StrengthYou recharge instantly..
Your Sexual WeaknessYour pillow talk blows...
Your Likely STDYou're clean!
How Many Partners in Crime?22
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Sample Life

Today has been a lazy day, I actually slept through most of it. I live in cave with no windows which is probably the cause of my excessive sleeping. Any suggestions? I can't remodel windows into concrete basement slabs.

This is a sample of what my friends and I talk about in real(ish) life. Maybe I should negotiate with that guy who had the blog "oversexed and underfucked" to argue that he's not get.

PTI: couldn't she have slept through it or something?
Marilyn Drew: thats what i thought, but i think she hated him too much by the end of the weekend
Marilyn Drew: ushually you can be like, "ok, but i'm just laying here, it's all you" and you compromise
Marilyn Drew: because you care
PTI: like she doesn't have to move, but you can cum wherever you want?
Marilyn Drew: sure
Marilyn Drew: if a girl won't do that for you, you know she hates you
PTI: I'd do it in her hair if she was going to be all lazy about it
Marilyn Drew: sometimes when you come in girls' hair they accidently bite you next time they give you head
PTI: sometimes girls disappear in the forest after they bite while giving head
Marilyn Drew: hmmm
Marilyn Drew: luckily central Il is all cornfields and not very foresty
PTI: true

"PTI" stand for "Protect The Innocent" - I have no idea if it's an actual aim name, but feel free to try it out in attempt to continue this conversation with him or her. Let me know how it goes.