Shit Happens

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Weekend Update

I finally showered and left the house today. I meant to get deoderant, but instead, I got cigerettes and gateraide. Unless I plan on rubbing tabacco on my pits, they are in now way comparable.

It's been a lazy weekend, I gave myself lisence to do nothing for 3 days and I'm taking full advantage. I have plans for Monday at work though, no one else is there so I look for jobs, make calls, and write dirty poetry. It's kind of like a catch up day, how most people use their Sundays. It's quite nice actually.

What's going on with all the secrets lately? There's been a wave of "don't tell anybody" across Springfield the past few weeks. People secretly dating, going out, fucking... I find it comical. Nothing is a big deal until you make it one. People talk about one another, it's what they do. I expect it to happen, and if it ever stops, I hope they start talking about books next. I need more friends that read.

I've been smoking less, which is great for my health, but it turns me into a bit of a lathargic, bi-polar bitch at times. I have a ton of leftover nicotene gum from one of my many quitting attempts, it tastes like ass, but it bareable if I mix it with real gum. Maybe if I chew some of that it will keep me a little more stable and off the evil rampages.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Boob Holes and Terry Trails

I don't have work on Fridays so I generally lounge around and catch up on all the things I put off during the week. I wore my ratty lavender bathrobe all day. The bathrobe has been around, I bought it sometime during college, which is also when I got in the habit of wearing everywhere inside, and outside, of the house, no matter what time of the day, or who is over.

The robe is literally in tatters, leaving a trail of terry cloth in it's wake. It rarely stays closed in the front the way it is suppose too and now has a huge hole on the left side. I don't know how this started, but it's so large now that it show's a large portion of my breast and side of my stomach.

Recently, I started shopping for a new robe, but I can't find one I like. I don't know how much longer this one will last. What's the use in wearing a robe if it doesn't actually cover anything?? I think that lavender is out of my system and now I want an oversized, sturdy, ugly man's robe. Sexy, eh?

That's all I got. Today I felt kind of crummy. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Sex at Church Work

This is an exert from the church bulletin this week. Seriously. They have me work on this stuff all the time. They're serious about it. I had no idea the extent of the delusion. I'm sure I'm just bitter because I'm going to hell.

For God wants you to be holy and pure and to keep clear of all sexual sin so that each of you will marry in holiness and honor-- not in lustful passion as the heathen do, in their ignorance of God and his ways. And this also is God's will: that you never cheat in this, as we have solemnly told you before. For God has not called us to be dirty-minded and fill of lust but to be holy
and clean.

(emphasis mine)

First off, I didn't know that regular Christian people used the word "heathen". I thought it was reserved for southern Baptists that don't dance and Catholics that blow smoke and do what they want anyway. (they know what's up. "here's what you're suppose to do, but realistically, we don't expect anyone to actually do it, so how about we make you a standing appointment for bi-weekly confession...)

When I was younger, I had fantasies for years of having sex in a church. Generally a Catholic church because that's what a grew up with. A confessional, possibly with a priest. But now that I have keys and 24-hour access to church, it's not as appealing. Maybe I just got older and am now more "mature". Although I still don't know if I could turn down a Priest...

My life doesn't really revolve around sex. Really. It's more like an exciting hobby I don't get to indulge in often enough. Like sky diving or paintball. (although I've never done either, they both sound fun, and like they require some level of commitment) I'm sure once I am actually having sex regularly I'll start writing about pink flowers and fluffy bunnies and everyone will think I'm sick, but it will really be my "gett'n some regularly" personality.

I just hope I don't have to start paying for it...

My Ass

I have a DENt in my ass from this fall. Really. I'll show you. Around the same time I show you the scars in my nipples from the rings.

My Ass

Can I be any grosser?!??

Doria & Paul

I'm testing out posting pictures, w/o stealing anyone else's badnwidth or whatever. This is Doria and Paul I mentioned before who are getting married. Doria can't wait to "Devote her life to being a wife and mother to Paul's children".

Doria Mia and Paul

My Left Nut

Let's talk about my left nipple.

It hurts. It all started 6 years ago when a spry, 17-yr-old mini-Melissa thought it would be a good idea to get her nipples pierced. (no, they're not still pierced, although I could show you the scars;) It was not. I almost passed out from the pain and couldn't wear a bra for days. My (at the time) C sized boobs flopped around all over town.

The worst part was getting cold. My nips would get hard, and contract, the way nippy nipples tend to do, except they would be squeezing against ice, cold metal. (I know, this is making me hot too) This lead to discomfort, even pain, and nothing got any warmer.

The rings are gone, but I still get that same type of pain in my left nipple. Just the left one. Whenever it gets cold it aches. It will hurt so bad I'm afraid someone is going to walk in on me in church-work with my hand in my shirt, fingers attempting to warm my nipple. I'm thinking about getting one fo those self-heating all day heat patches made for sore muscles and wearing it inside my bra.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005


Augh! I was all ready for the gym, and couldn't find my headphones. I think I put them through the wash. So now I'm going to just do weights, which I generally avoid because I am scared of them. I am even scared of the weight set in my basement. I am scared of taking off all the big weights off the bar that my brother has left on and then maybe getting it stuck on my neck/tummy/crotch like Phil did in his weightroom horror story. Can I take them off by myself without the bar tipping over on me?

I've been a little phone obsessed lately. I hate the phone. I don't even have voicemail. BUt altely I've been on calling sprees. My friends have been great about humoring me, espeically since I don't have much of interet to say. This girl called me that I gave my number too last weekend, she was really nice and walked to to this bar with her friends downtown when she saw I was by myself. (I was sick of waiting for my friends to get it together to leave where we were at) It was so nice, she didn't have too.

But I haven't "picked up" a new girl friend in over a year. I'm nervous. What do we talk about? Do I invite her for coffee? Dinner? Drinks??

Ranting and Raving

I watched the news this morning, which of course makes me cry. Some days everything makes me cry, and some days I'm normal. I ate enough for a family of four yesterday (but I went to the gym, which erases all the crap I ate, right? right??). I decided this means I'm ovulating. My mom claims she's ovulating like a week out of every month, so it's sort of a bad joke in our family. In real life, she only has one ovary, and I think you actually ovulate about a day per month, and every other month for her. So she's exaggerating over 50 days/year. I'm stealing her excuse and ovulating as long I'm over emotional and pigging out.

Back to the news.
Ward Churchill has been all over the place. People have compared him to a terrorist and saying he's committed treason. !COME ON! I don't agree with everything he's said, but the University of Colorado knew who he was, and what he stood for, when they hired him. It is their responsibility to stand by him, and on the side of free speech, when he (now) expresses his opinion in an unpopular way.

Free speech is dead in America. (Did we ever really have it?)

There was also a man with ELEVEN children who is being deployed oversees. (I believe he is from Kentucky- no joke) The army, navy, and air force all rejected him because he has so many children dependent on him, but the guard took him. Good Morning America made it sound like it was so sad he has to leave his pack of babies. I'm sure it is. For them.

It made me think about how irresponsible people are. Don't have 11 babies (4 were from his wife's first marriage) if you can't support them, which I'm sure they have some type(s) of government assistance to help them out.

Like that crazy Mormon who keeps going to court in Nevada because he has 4 wives and 30+ kids. 3 of the women aren't legally his wives, so they get tons of government money because they have too many babies to work and as far as the government is concerned, they have no income to support themselves.

I know it's not the same, but wear a damn condom.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

California Quarterly

I just got my California Quarterly in the mail yesterday. A free is issue is the going rate for barely competitive magazines nowadays. I'm still excited though. This is the first piece I've had published that's not in Springfield and not college related.

In case you missed it the first time around this is what made it in.

To The Girls Upstairs

You are nice, it is lucky we are neighbors.

I don't have cable, but you do
and I feel as if I'm there with you, and your TV friends,
all day, every day, until midnight each night.

I don't get enough of the Dead, although I enjoy your pictures,
posters, and bumper stickers when I come up to visit. Through you
I get my daily dose of classic rock.

And techno. I don't care for it myself, but my roommate likes it. It is convenient
that you've picked up the CDs she hasn't gotten around to purchasing
herself. It is too bad about the heat, but 62 is more than enough for the pipes
not to freeze. I heard the girls last year had space heaters, maybe you'll get
one for your bird. I know he gets cold.

I bet your ferrets are especially cute when they huddle
together at night. Do they mate more in the winter, like humans? If not,
maybe they are distracted by the TV - you could get them movies
to set the mood.

I have extra blankets you can borrow; I have 5 on my bed
alone. But I suppose you keep plenty warm by all the furniture you move.
My roommate says it's your bed rocking when you have sex, but your boyfriend is here
only every other weekend.

I do not feel it is my place to ask. Instead, I will keep en eye open for any rearranging.

Ladies, Good Night. Gentlemen, Good Morning.

I couldn't drag myself out of bed this morning to go to the gym, so now I have to go tonight. BUT I have drank over 32 oz of water so far today. The two aren't related at all, are they?

I was trying to think of sex topic number 3, since the first 2 posts were such a "hit". (and I just like sex, having sex, talking about sex...) Everything I could come up with was kind of crude. Which is unfortunate, because when you have impure thoughts in a church you are sent even more quickly to hell.

My friends are all telling me about their weekend in New Orleans at Mardi Gras. I know I've been down there the past two years, but I'm so jealous. And imitation parties aren't worth leaving the house for; everyone in town has already seen my tits, why would they start giving me beads now?

PhilO said the parades were like Christmas. And that's exactly what it's like; a really cheap, drunken Christmas. People act like it's over-rated, and maybe after like 5 years of it, or after you turn 30, it is, but for now, it's like heaven on earth. Even the 12 hour car ride down there is great. Everyone coming together to drink, take off their clothes, and get it on. *Sigh*

I have to finish the christian parent newsletter now.

Monday, February 07, 2005

More Sex

In actuality, I don't care if I up my "number". It's probably already high enough that I would have to double it for it to phase a person more then it already does. And if I hear one more guy go on about wanting a virgin, or not dating a woman they have slept with X amount of people, I'm going to do the world a favor and straight away just cut their insecure, pathetic cock into two pieces. Do men grow out of that? It doesn't seem like it.

But that's really besides the point. I decided a long time ago if a man was going to give me a hard time about how many people I had fucked then I would just lie about it. I know, sounds horrible, but if you know you're std free and haven't been indulging in "risky behaviors" anytime recently, it's really no one else's business what your past is, especially your partner. Why put yourself in a position like that where someone you care about is going to unfairly judge you and you can't do anything to change it?

That said, I've never lied to anyone about how many people I have slept with. I think the closest I would even come to doing that is say, "It's none of your business, take it or leave it".

But if guys weren't such jerks and dating wasn't so awkward, people wouldn't even need to have casual sex. That's a lie. But it would sure make my life easier. I would like to have a sickenly close friend I depended and loved like a romantic partner, with similar types of warmth and anticipation, and then just have some type of emotion-free service for everything sexual. And probably spread this surrogate boyfriend thing between several people, so one person doesn't feel weighted down, and there is a back up when someone goes on vacation.

Would that head off any potential hurt feelings or future disappointment that is destined to be in my (or anyone's) relationship furture? There has to be a solution, something better than what seems to be going on now among my generation. (every generation?)

When I perfect this brilliant plan, I'm going to paten it and make millions. I'll invite my closest friends to live with me and only screw the pool boy.

Casual Fridays

A while ago, I decided I had "grown out of" having casual sex. I mean, not forever, everyone has to get laid sometime, but for the most part. I'm not morally opposed to it, it's just not how I want to be spending my time. God created porn, vibrators, and dildos for a reason. In theory, men have really become superfluous.

In theory.

Now that I have made this healthy, responsible desion I'm curious how it is suppose to work. Does only actual vaginal, penetration count? Is everything else fair game? Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose? Are only strangers "casual"? If I already know a guy fairly well is it not casual sex because we're friends too??

These are the types of things I ponder while at church-work. (I think if they made me touch an actual bible I might burst into flames)

I was sleeping with an ex-bf for a while; it doesn't add to my "number", so it doesn't count. (sort of) Originally, I didn't really have any left over feelings for him (he's a long ago ex), but after it started renewing old ones, I quit. Which helped reaffirm how I can't sleep with people I actually like. That may sound odd, but I've had some mind blowing sex with guys I pretty much hate. It brought up a whole nother slew of issues, but that's a blog for another time.

So I'm not sleeping with strangers, or men I like. And it's highly doubtful I'll be getting in any type of relationship anytime soon. (or not so soon, for that matter) So where's the line? Can I still mess around with guys I like, as long as I don't have actual sex with them? Is whether or not I have actual sex with them irrelevant? Should I just avoid these guys all together? Should I just avoid all guys all together??

I guess strangers are pretty much knocked off the list of options all together. "Yeah I'll go back to your place, but I just want to cuddle. And if you're really lucky, there might be some middle school-style groping and making out." Maybe I should buy stock in a sex toy company and do my best to become asexual.