Shit Happens

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Pastor's Porn

One of the youth pastors and I talk about working out (we're both getting in shape, although he's just building his sexy muscles) and about me smoking. No one gives me a hard time here; I brought it up to him before, and we talk about it now sometimes.

He suggested I go to a christian support group website. He was real nice about it, saying he wasn't sure of my beliefs (they know I'm a heathen) but it might be worth checking out. It was actually very thoughtful of him. Although I agree with pretty much nothing the church stands for, I really appreciate how considerate and thoughtful the pastors are toward me, and everyone else.

So we're looking at the site and I'm like, "Well, I defiantly don't have a porn addiction" because I thought that would be funny to him, and in reality, I don't have a porn addiction. (yet)

We're hanging out chatting, I'm sharing my nuts. (pistachios, don't get too excited) And he's like, "Honestly, I go there for porn addiction". I almost laughed because I thought he was joking. Oh, no jokes. He said he was trying to stay pure and it was nice to have someone to talk to and help him be accountable.

That was way too personal to share, so I couldn't look at him in the eye the rest of the conversation. I know that in his mind, any porn is bad, it's not like that's what he's looking at in his office when he has the door locked and lights turned low.

I'm playing it off, acting like I agree that "he's a guy" with urges or whatever. (I love how church pretends a woman's biggest problem is controlling her man, making sure his eyes don't rove) Then I started thinking about his cutie little pregnant wife and what boring sex they must have. Then I really couldn't look at him. It's not like he's one of my buddies that I can be like,

"Yeah, so it's important to me that porn has a plot before they start in on the spanking and choking. Got anything I can copy?"

Breast Feeding Monkey

Have you heard about the Indian woman who found an abandoned monkey and decided to breast feed him?

One of the youth pastors told me about it yesterday, I had never heard him say the word "breast" before. He was really creeped out.

It's weird, but it would be worse. I asked him today if it would be better if she left the monkey to die. He replied that there is an "order of creation and that goes against it". He was even opposed to bottling the milk and feeding the baby monkey out of a jar.

Crazy christians.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Skinny Pants

Right now I am sitting my skinny pants.

OK, they are not real life skinny pants, but they are the size smaller than what I was wearing before. I had stopped wearing them a while ago because they barely buttoned. Now, they are slightly snug, but should be ready to wear in public sometime next week. Maybe 2 weeks; my tummy looks chubby in them still. Which is ironic because my stomach was one of the last places I gained weight. Hopefully it will be diminishing soon.

I got a call today about a second interview at that insurance company. I thought my first one was horrible! I have writing experience, but nothing with press releases or marketing. I thought for sure I wouldn't get called.

Now, what to wear for the second one. It's with a different person. Can I just wear the same outfit? I HATE shopping! The pants I bought aren't going to fit me past the end of the month anyway, if that. It would be nice to wear them at least twice.

This time I'm going to make sure I go over generic interview questions in my head and think of experience I have done that is in some way relevant to what I would be doing at this job. The salary is literally 3 times higher than what I make now, which would basically solve my bill problems. (my poor car isn't sounding so hot, AGAIN)

It all comes down to how well I can "sell myself", which if I try, I think I can be pretty good at. I hate to admit it, but I'm a bit of a spoiled brat and used to manipulating things to get my way, even if it's generally subconscious.

I Love My Gay Quizzes

I took this at okcupid.com. After answering 100 question this is what they came up with. I highlighted the parts I liked.

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The Sudden Departure

Random Brutal Love Master (RBLMf)

Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call. You are The Sudden Departure. You've been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you're a really fantastic girl who doesn't really know what she wants, and you've broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you're there, either boredom or the old "grass is greener" syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries.

We know you're not the classic "love 'em and leave 'em" type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you're theoretically looking to settle down, you don't settle long on one person. "Serial monogamist" is probably something you hear a lot. "Emotionally loose" is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn't really make much difference. Of course, it's not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Backrubber, The Gentleman

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail, someone just like you

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Anyone who knows me knows I'm not "emotionally loose" (as entertaining as it sounds). I've had like 3 or 4 boyfriends, at a MAX of 9 months. Not exactly a "serial monogamist".

And a "Backrubber" sounds pretty damn good right now.

Monday on Wednesday

Is it gross that I enjoy the smell of the toner from the copy machine?

Man, I can't wait until it's time to change it.

This is what happens when you work at a church and can't bring yourself to pray.

I saw something this morning about soccer moms on meth. No joke. Personally, meth freaks me out, anything that can EXPLODE while you're making it doesn't sound like it could be safely digested. As for using it as a diet "tool", I would trade in my mini-van for gastric bypass surgery. But that's just me.

This weekend, when you talk to your mom, notice if she has additional "pep" in her step. And if you have time, send her some DARE information.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

A Fitting Follow-Up

I think I'm getting a yeast infection.

That's hot.

I lived below this girl in college who got one EVERY TIME she had sex with her boyfriend. Luckily, he lived 4 hours away. Still, she acted annoyed, but just accepted it.

She said she had become immune to the pill you can take for them, and that condoms didn't help. It was his semen specifically, other guys hadn't had that "effect" on her.

AND the bf didn't care. He never caught them (I've never heard of a guy catching one, probably because they aren't generally wet and yeasty), he screwed her and went down on her during them.

I would consider this above and beyond, but it was his fault she got them in the first place. They'd been together for years and are most likely married by now.

A LIFETIME of recurrent yeast infections. That's love.

Monday, February 28, 2005

Human Worth

Oral Sex (in real life)

Where do these men come from who are not into going down on women??

Seriously, this perplexes me. When I was younger, it seemed like their was an abundance of oral sex. This may have been before I accepted my "inner" slut and took it like a champ, when sex and "numbers" were a big deal. (because I'm so over that now? hah!) When it's harder to get laid, one becomes more compromising and steps it up on the "convincing".

But I don't think that's why. I do think I may have been extremely lucky and spoiled. Or maybe the novelty wears off. Men just get lazy. Most likely, they were never taught well- because the ones who are good at it, or at least think they are good at it, are going to tell you how good they are every chance they get. Now, it's kind of expected to know what's going on and if you don't, maybe you develop an aversion to it.

Like women being on top, few women see to actually dislike it, but plenty avoid it to hide (what they think is) their sagging breasts, pouch, stretch marks, etc.

I don't know any women who won't give head because they are bad at it. I've heard them get grossed out by it, or don't do it out of a power trip, but I don't think I have ever heard a single woman complain about her blog job skills. Maybe we just won't admit when we're missing these skills?
(love skills)

I did have a friend growing up who's father explained to her that oral sex was immoral, but they were weird anyway. I think every single one of them had given at least a handful of bjs in their day.

Men don't even need bjs. Obviously, if women don't feel they're lacking in the area, and men don't complain, and the cycle continues, it's brainless and we don't really need to put out the effort.

Especially if these same guys are lazy about getting women off, who may only get off from having their clits rubbed/sucked/ what-have-you. You like touch a guy and he comes all over the ceiling.

I have crusted spots all over mine...