Shit Happens

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Stolen good from non-girlfriend

My uncle once: threatened to kill my other uncle. Apparently, uncle #2 took uncle #1 seriously because he left the state.

Never in my life: been to a circus. Some take me to a flippin' circus goddamnit!

When I was five: My dad would threaten me when he was angry with me to give me "bare bottom spanking in the street". I was still a brat; I just learned to run faster.

High School was: hell. I just talk about the good stories now.

I once met: the daughter of Darryl Stermer, who plays in Phil Collins' band. It's my closest brush with celebrity. Unless you count touching Garth Brooks' foot.

There's this girl I know who: has the perfect ass. You know her. Give it a good smack for me.

Once, at a bar: I didn't drink ... that one time.

By noon I'm usually: hungry.

Last night: I went to the gym and watched some psychic show on court tv. It wasn't bad.

Next time I go to church I: I honestly don't plan on there being a "next time".

When I turn my head left, I see: A co-worker. I'm going to leave it at that.

When I turn my head right, I see: a wall of post-it "to-do" lists

You know I'm lying when: I hate you or feel really trapped.

What I miss most about the eighties: I DON'T miss the 80s!

If I ever go back to school I'll: make straight As this time. Seriously.

You know I like you if: I'm nice to you. I'm still a bitch, but the times I'm nice I overdo it. Make fun of me.

If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: my mom.

My ideal breakfast is: Bacon, egg and cheese sandwich

A love song I love, but do not have is: hoochie momma. A friend got me hooked on it HS and it's been a fave ever since.

If you visit my hometown, I suggest: you bring some change for all the homeless hippies

Why won't anyone invent: something that will make you happy. All the time. And ruining your life can't be a side affect.

If you spend the night at my house, don't: ask my the shower curtin is taped to the bathroom wall or why their are holes in the living room ceiling.

I'd stop my wedding for: a quickie in the bathroom with my finace's best man. (hah! that's what you get for asking)

The world could do without: war

My favorite blonde is: MARILYN MONROE

If I do anything well, it's: laugh, I love to laugh. smile

The last time I was drunk, I: took a drive to clear my mind. Just take my keys.

I brake for: animals, I would be the idiot who peeled the rabid, bloody dog off the pavement to bring him into the vet who can't save him, but will charge me at least a few hundred for the effort.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

My boobs go to work

Today there were very good looking men on my floor. I don't think they work with me (at least not in my building), so it was just a tease. Something to boost female morale.

I felt pretty icky today because I wore a skirt and I haven't shaved my legs for almost a week. (I have invsi-hair, so in reality, it didn't matter, but I knew) Also, I'm not picky about what I wear to work. I'll wear my least attractive pair of shoes because they are comfortable. Sometimes it's questionable whether my blacks or blues match, that sort of thing.

I walked past the cutie men to go to the bathroom and I swear that they all checked out my tits. All four of them.

I try to keep the tops of my shirts up, but I tug at the waist a lot and my boobs pop out. (not in real life, just in work life) I assumed they just weren't used to women wearing slutty bar shirts to work.

I look in the mirrior when I get in the restroom and my entire right breast is covered with dust. Something very dirty white on my black shirt. Which was showing a little bit of cleavage, but not stare-worthy cleavage.

I wiped it off and LUCKILY they were all still standing there when I got out, and could feel relieved knowing that I corrected the problem.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Kill your sister and your son

This fucking crazy man killed his sister in '98. He was found not guilty by reason of insanity.

Instead of locking him up for his entire life, or at least monitoring him to make sure he was taking his medication. (to assist with his "insanity) He was let out of the state hospital 4 months later.

Now, he'll go on trial for smothering and trying to cremate his girlfriend's son in the stove. What kind of fucking retard women dates an unstable MURDERER. Did she not notice??

The first insanity verdict can't be brought into the stove murder case.

Fucking A.

Monday, May 09, 2005

At least someone is getting some

I was talking to my buddy today about women and men and dating and sex. Because these topics take up the bulk of our interaction. Possiably because, for the first time in our lives, he's getting more than me.

And I'm alright with that. Really, I am.

I don't need to be getting the most ass. I'm okay with skinny, geeky guys getting more than me. (I love you. You know you're hot) I can't always be the sex queen. I'm ok, you're ok. Everyone is OK.

Everyone needs a break once in a while...

Deep breath.

So Mr. Skinny-Smarty-Pants told me that I don't give guys any room to feel like they are in control. (And I had thought I was tricky) I've been trying to think of the relevence when Smarty and I dated, so I could make the connection to other relationships and figure out how he meant it.

He made some reference to hearing/reading something about how if a female makes the first move the guy ends up with some inferiority complex about his manliness and will continually try to make up for it. Pretty much dooming the relationship.

I reminded him that he was the homewrecker who kissed me. He could not connect this to his theory and breezed past it.

So now I want more tricky-tricks on how to make men think they are in control and things are their idea."I'm not a nypho, you're a sexy manly-man and I couldn't resist the sex you initiated." That type of thing. I figure I have enough factors working against me and should start practicing these neccasery female skills of manipulation on my male friends and aquentences immediately.

T&A cont.

I have a butt problem.

No, nothing gross and too personal to blog about.

I have an ass eyeing problem.

I'm the worst with women. At work, I look at all the women from behind to see if they are wearing thongs. And if they aren't, how noticable it is. I look to see how their asses look after aging and popping out babies.

I also check out boobs. I love cleavage. I don't want to touch it, I just like seeing which kinds of shirts women can wear where you get a glimpse of what's underneath, without it looking tacky or obvious.

I am the queen of obvious.

When I'm out, I grab asses. Generally, those of people I know. It's my way of saying "hello". A sort of a personalized greeting. I get upset and always attempt a re-do when I get a man's wallet. Extra points to him if he is wearing cargo pants and I have full, double cheek access.

This is the kind of activity that fills my days.

Still, besides grabbing and smacking, I don't have further ass interest. No ass fettish. And boobs, I just like to check them out. I'm interested in how they move and are shaped. If they are proportional to a female's body. If she would look better with bigger, or smaller ones.

You understand.