Shit Happens

Friday, June 03, 2005

Wax Story (not mine- really!)

This was forwarded to me by my co-worker. It's definately worth reading to the end.

Subject: Hair Removal

All methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painlessremoval - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner,play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in mymindfor the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicinecabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one ofthose cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the stripstogether in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart pressit to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss, nofuss.How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanicallyinclined enough I can figure it out.

YA THINK!!!

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each otherstucktogether.Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to1000 degrees.Cold wax my a-- (Oh how this phrase haunts me!)I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward bodyhair and smooth skin extraordinaire.With my next wax strip I move north.After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimatehair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on thetoilet. Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right sideof bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down tothe inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip)!I inhale deeply and brace myself.

RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....Vision returning, I notice that I'veonly managed to pull off half of the strip.
Another deep breath and RRIIPP.Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums???

OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that hascaused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph overbody hair. I hold up the strip but there is no hair on it.Where is the wax???Slowly I eased my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see thehair...The hair that should be on the strip. I touch.

I am touching wax!I peel my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body that is nowcovered in cold wax and matted hair and then make the next bigmistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet.I know I need to move to do something. So I put my foot down and thenI hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. A-- ?? Sealedshut.

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and thinkto myself "I hope I don't get the urge to "go potty". My head may pop off!!Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand,the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???WRONGI get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to tortureprisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.Now the only thing worse that having your business glued together is havingthem glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.

In scalding hotwater. Which by the way doesn't melt the cold wax.So now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret ofhow to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter "So, my buttand cooch are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me.She wants to know exactly where is the wax on the butt "Are we talkingcheeks or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side ofthe box. YEAH right!! I could be the joke of someone else's night.While we go through various solutions.

I result in scraping the wax offwith a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodiescovered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and thendry shaving the sticky wax off!!I then find the most beautiful saving grace.... that is the lotion they giveyou to remove the excess wax.

I rub some and scream "IT works!! Itworks!!I get a hearty "congratulations" from my friend and she hangs up.I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to mydismay...The hair is still there...all of it. So I shaved the stuff off.Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then I put the wax back in the medicinecabinet, I may have a mustache that needs work someday.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.......

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

more boobs

I was looking at www.badplasticsurgery.com at all the stars and their fake parts and was once again, thankful for my breasts.

Apparently, fake breasts:

1) don't slouch to the sides when you lay on your bag, they stay in front
2) have a very round shape
3) will leave scars around your nipples and/or under your arm pits

I already knew those things, but what I learned was that when mini-boob people (say A-cup to a C/D-cup) get implants they don't have enough surface area to hold them. The implants look like half cantaloupes, or even oranges, stuck on the body. Instead of sexy pushedtogethercleavage you end up with a space a truck driver could drive through.

So all the movie stars you see with disproportionate breasts and gaping cleavage - not real.

Supposedly, earlier in her career, Jessica Simpson had a boob lift, which turned out beautifully. They didn't sag, she had just lost some weight and needed a little lift.

Since than, supposedly she has had implants put in and now is now sporting the separated, ball-ish boob look.

Anyway, I'm happy to have my naturally big boobs and my cleavage that sticks together and a chest cavity that ensures it all looks natural.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

"ass fettish"

You know how sometimes you expect certain things from people, so you react a certain way when they do certain things (like shut your wrist in the car window)?

(and maybe you're a little cranky)

I was in the car this weekend, driving home from a late-night run for ice cream and smokes. I'm always warm and I like how the wind feels on my hands (or feet, but some people won't let me stick my cutie-patootie feet) out their car window.

We're driving along, I'm singing to myself, spreading my general cheer when the window suddenly starts to close in my on my arm. I think it's a joke and don't freak out.

At first.

But the window keeps closing. And my arm is being crushed! I start hitting my "friend" screaming, "Ah! Ah! Stop it! Ah! AH!!". Or something equally desperate. But he just holds the window button down even tighter.

unfortunately, I forgot that I had my own window button, which may, or may not have over-ridden his.

Also, I did not notice that there were about 5 sprinklers lined up in a row by the side of the road about the spray me. (hence the attempted window closing)

So, I still got wet, since my hand was painfully trapped in the window. And I know I shouldn't feel too bad about beating up the said driver because he is highly protective of his flashy car, and was probably trying to protect the interior of the car and not my nerd glasses and bra-less chest buried in a raggy old t-shirt.

But I still feel a little bad.

And said sorry.

I'm really not a violent person.

Really.

Monday, May 30, 2005

love & stats

I love my stat counter.

Although I haven't been inspred, or creative enough, to write anything orginal this weekend I can view my stat counter and see that someone found my site after googleing "thongs popping out".

I don't even think all three of those words were together on my site.

Until now.

Also, someone did an aol search for "ass fettish". Two words that have been previously placed together on my site.

Shhhh ... don't tell.

And finally, some poor soul (weirdo?) found marilyndrew.blogspot.com by searching for "what happens when you try to stop a wedding".

Also searched for: "when I try to fall asleep I'm onjested" (spelling error included)
"asses my boobs"
"shit happens movie"