Shit Happens

Friday, June 10, 2005

Internet Sex

Some of the ladies in my office do on-line personal adds. They're fun, attractive, normal people and are looking for other fun, attractive, normal people.

Somehow, sex came up. (It wasn't me, I swear!)

One of the ladies, who is a little older (40ish, divorced) was saying how she was afraid she was going to end up meeting some "freak" off the internet.

When I think of "freaks" I think of people who split their tongues, insert horns under their forehead skin, and tattoo their bodies to look like some type of human/reptile hybrid. Or, I think of dirty old men or people who like to be peed on.

This is what comes to mind when I think of on-line "freaky" men.

This lady, who is from another generation, and actually a really fun girl, said there was a guy from her hometown who accidently strangled himself while masturbating with a rope around his neck. Everyone found out how he died because he was a cop and apparently cops like to make the "weirdo" cops, even the dead ones, look bad.

I thought it was odd, not unheard of or sick or anything, just something I don't desire to try myself. (possibly because I can be a clutz and would feel guilty for the poor soul who found me naked and a disturbing shade of blue) But she went on about what a FREAK he was and how she she would send a guy out the door with any type of similar request in bed.

Then, she said how she dated a seemingly normal guy, who wanted to be dominated, with her bossing him around while wearing pointy heels. She kicked him out the door too.

Is this what men have to deal with? Seemingly out going, sexual women who freak out when men suggest something besides missionary sex?

I'm not saying it's for everyone, but jeeze. Are women really that uptight that you guys are scared to make suggestions because they might get cut off completely??

Thursday, June 09, 2005

White Trash

One of my charming blog "fans" left me a message about what white trash I am.

Which makes me wonder, what constitutes white trash?

Although I don't own a home, or pay rent, my parents live in a snazzy neighborhood with sky-high taxes and those charming police that will watch your house while you're on vacation, just like in the movie Home Alone.

I have a pretty crappy car, but it's not prompted up on blocks in the yard and has insurance on it. We mow our football field-sized lawn regularly, and even have some nice flowers.

I do, however, sometimes sit on my front porch in my robe while smoking cigarettes, but I've never purchased a 40, not even once, and invited my porch monkey friends over to congregate and yell things at passing cars. (although I may drunkenly done something very similar while in college)

I'm smart, I have a degree from a good school and a decent paying job. No one in my family, is or has ever been, on government assistance.

I bathe regularly (or close enough), don't own any stone washed jeans or wear hair scrunchies. Or those hideous "claw" clips that were so popular in 1995. I don't sell drugs or even do them (give me a slight bit of leeway on that one ...) and I'd never even seen a crack pipe until I worked at a homeless shelter.

As the blood center ask me every month, "I have never accepted money or drugs for sex, even once, since 1977", because apparently, needles were much cleaner then. I was born in '81.

I don't regularly mooch off other people and have never been arrested.

So whoever was kind enough to call me "white trash" (and you're the first one ever), would you please be kind enough to explain to me how you came to this conclusion.

I would contact you directly, but for some reason, you didn't leave any identifying information.


Tuesday, June 07, 2005

More man grumbles

How come guys think that if you sleep with them once, even if it was 10 years ago, drunk, after the entire rest of the human race had been wiped out, and it was your responsibility to repopulate the earth,

that it will happen again.

Or that it's worth a try. Is it THAT HARD TO GET SEX IN AMERICA MEN that you have to recycle ex-girlfriends/fuck buddies/one-night-stands??!?

I love men. And contrary to recent opinion, I LOVE SEX. But I am not impressed when guys I happened to "do" at some point in the last 9 years grab for repeats. There are 3 billion women in the world but apparently I am the only one who has "I want seconds" tattooed across my ass. (yes, it's there, "I want" across one cheek, "seconds" across the other)

How come guys never surprise me, show up at my door with flowers, saying, "I made such a mistake. I'll do anything for you to take me back".

I don't think I actually want any of them back, but I would really appreciate the sentiment.