Shit Happens

Friday, July 29, 2005

Desired literary effect

"Unless a particular literary effect is desired, the better approach in these circumstances is to break the independent clauses into separate sentences."

What the fuck is a "desired literary effect"?!??

I'm still working on my AP skills for smerk (no, I can't tell you why I decided to call it "smerk"). The entire Stylebook is filled with rules, which are acceptable to break occationally, including when I desire a particular literary effect.

How I am suppose to know when I desire a particular literary effect?? I'm female, we never know what we want, especially when it comes to literary effects.

How do I know if the literary effect I'm going after is an correct effect, or an effective effect? When am I "allowed" to go with my instincts, go crazy and use a questionable semi-colon? How am I suppose to know if something I consider a "literary effect" is an effect, or just really poor grammar?

I love words and writing and literature, but I'm not sure I am ever going to actually desire a literary effect, especially a particular one.

And (did you know that is sometimes acceptable to begin a sentence with "and"?) why are semi-colons such a widespread mystery? Do YOU know how to use a semi-colon?? Probably not, because no one does, except English teachers, and they're not telling. They just mark up your paper because there is NO WAY to explain to a 16-year-old kid (or a 23-year-old woman) about independent and dependent clauses AND desired literary effects. I don't even think schools are allowed to talk about desires, especially something as confusing and controversial as literary desires.

I love semi-colons, once I (thought I) learned how to use them, I went to town. But now I'm feeling insecure about my relationship with the semi-colon. I feel kinda like I was tricked, or misled to the semi-colon's intentions.

And don't even get me started on commas ...

Kansas wedding

You can get married at age 12 in Kansas.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Nice feet, lady

I've made some smoker friends outside at smerk.

I don't know any of their names, or what departments they work in, but I know all about their in-laws, grandchildren and remodeling projects at home. I love it.

The other day I was sitting on the bench in front of our building with a lady I chat with often. She's around 50, very put together and kinda "spunky." (smerk has stolen all my good words, please excuse my lame descriptions)

She asked me if I just got a pedicure.

ME: "No, I don't think I've ever had a professional pedicure before."

NAMELESS LADY: "Oh." Then she kinda eyed my feet some more, kinda worrying me.

NAMELESS LADY: "You have nice feet, it looks like you just got your toes done."

I LOVE YOU lady!! You just made me (and my minor foot obsession's) day.

Handcuff drama (no joke)

My life is full of embarrassing stories I would rather keep to myself.

But sometimes I get into weird situations I can't handle on my own, and let the cat out of the bag when I call at 2am for help.

I did some late night cleaning last night. Innocent enough. I found some handcuffs I hadn't used in a while. I didn't think I had any that had to have a key. They're a sex toy for god's sake, I don't have them to apprehend dangerous criminals.

Apparently, the sex industry has a good sense of humor. For some reason, maybe late night delirium, or wishful thinking, I stuck a handcuff on my arm. I wanted to see how you got them off once you got them on; they usually have a safety feature that gets you out of them while they are on your wrist.

These did not. I tried to pry them apart, pop them open and pick the lock to no avail. After about 20 minutes of this I started calling people, thinking maybe someone else had been in a similar situation and could give me a magical solution.

"Keys for those are really small."
Thanks Phil. Thanks for reminding me that I'm really never going to find the key and that picking the lock is going to be that much harder.

"Why did you put them on if you didn't have the key?"
I don't know Ed! You're not helping! It's after 2am and I'm stuck in a pair of handcuffs. It doesn't matter how I got them on, just tell me how to get the damn fuckers off!!

After an hour or alternately laughing and crying (I did see the humor, especially since I was ALONE and their was no sex act involved in the situation - which made it even more embarrassing to explain) I decided to just go to sleep, call into work in the morning and ask my brother to hammer them off in the morning.

Yes, my brother. I know. All you guys out there with sisters just hope that one day you'll be reminded that your sister has sex, possibly kinky sex and will ask you, her family, to try to pound her out of cuffs.

But while trying to get them of, I had made them tighter, and my wrist hurt. They were pretty sturdy and I didn't know if a hammer was going to work. Also, I had cuffed my right wrist and I'm right handed. There is no way I could wait for everyone to leave and try to bang them off myself.

Luckily, sometime after 3am I somehow picked the lock with a bobby-pin.

Which was great, but everyone I did not talk to last night is calling me this morning asking me what my 2am emergency was. It's not exactly something I'm going to explain over the phone at smerk.

So guys, if you got a 2am "emergency" call from me, this is it. For once, I wasn't a drunk bitch calling to chat in the middle of the night, there was an actual problem and I needed help!

Answer your phone next time and you can get photographic proof of my unfortunate life.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Single friends wanted

I'm very happy that everyone and their brother, and their brother's brother, and their sister, is hooking up. And although I'm excited for you, besides constant sex and someone around to be my heavy lifting, I don't really need/want a guy around.


I'm running out of single friends! As much as I LOVE being the third wheel and hanging out with you guys when you go home early/spend the entire night cooing at one another/fighting and generally making my natious, being semi-married really is putting you out of commission.

Which is OK, my friends are great, and even though they're not always around as much while they are falling in lust and planning future babies, I can only take so much of it.

Since I never want babies, generally don't "oow and awww" over how "cute" couples are, I'm left in kind of a bind. (not to mention the fact that I would like to hang out without reserving you a month in advance and/or you inviting your man/lady friend along at the last minute nearly every time we see one another)

I'm tempted to post a desperate personal add on yahoo or something pleaing "unattached friends needed". I would use these friends to stay in and watch movies, go out drinking and call throughout the week without knowing that whatever we discussed would not be repeated when we got off the phone because you and your significant other spend 24/7 together and have ran out of your own things to talk about.


My 19-year-old brother informed me that on this weekend's camping trip, with MY friends, that I couldn't share a tent with him and his girlfriend (they don't really have any of their own friends left because they spend ALL their time with one another). GROSS. His girlfriend's great, but if he didn't spend his every waking second with her (literally) I would be taking him out to lunch and sneaking him into bars.

I know he doesn't read this, so I'll stop my complaints there.

Anyway, if you're single, and need a buddy, I'm here for you. You're welcome to post your "friend resume" in the comment section so we can get together and possibly do nothing at all.

Monday, July 25, 2005

breakthrough bleeding

"Note, however, that false labor, occasional spotting, physician prescribed rest during the period of pregnancy, morning sickness and similar conditions associated with the management of a difficult pregnancy are not considered complications of pregnancy under the policy."

No, I'm not pregnant (but how many men did I make nervous?)

THIS is the type if writing I do for smerk. I didn't have the honor of receiving this particular article, which was posted on our website to make sure every one of our entire 1,000 or so agents is aware that "breakthrough bleeding" is not considered a pregnancy complication, I do write similar titillating insurance related material, eight hours a day, 40 hours a week.

Don't hate because my life is glamorous.