Shit Happens

Monday Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Mon, 09 Oct 2006 13:31:00 +0000

I want to write about how I LOVE EVERYONE. Yes, even at 8:30 a.m. on Monday morning. I love YOU.

I'm tired of being a grouch.

My good mood may have just snagged me a corn maze date. He's very cute - he enjoys spongebob cartoons and air guitar. He's only four but he's honest, has his priorities straight and laughs a lot.

My kind of man.

I didn't shower this morning and feel absolutely disgusting. Sometimes I think I have super powers, which involve not sleeping for days. I know, I'm the lamest super hero ever. I'm the dirty, smelly one in the back with bug-eyes that doesn't get invited to any of the super hero parties.

I'll work on the cleanliness part.

GIANT CONDOMS (take THAT google)

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 18:16:00 +0000

I stole Things in Rubbers from the The Hot Librarian.
It's really things in rubbers.
And I love rubbers! I just bought a 12-pack of giant ones, GIANT CONDOMS that I can put GIANT THINGS into. (take that as you will) I have minimal experience with giant condoms, so I'm not sure if they come in packs smaller than 12. GIANT CONDOMS, GIANT QUANTITIES??
Maybe so.
I would assume men who require GIANT CONDOMS may need GIANT QUANITITIES of condoms to accomodate the GIANT amount of ass they receive (this is why my blog is annonymous!).
And since I haven't gotten laid more than three times in a single week during the course of my GIANT CONDOM use, I should have GIANT CONDOMS to spare.
I'm so overwhelmed with excitement I can't decide what to put in them first. Ohhh, and since I don't need to keep my bacon/rubber ducky/dead fish "safe," I can reuse one GIANT CONDOM for all of my GIANT CONDOM photo needs.
And yes, I wish I had a photo to accompany this post. ;)

TGIF

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 14:11:00 +0000

I'm fully aware I need to branch out and write about things besides violent sex and wet thighs. It's doubtful ...

Rusted

My thighs unhinge when you speak
of Hemingway and Fitzgerald
an oiled joint made moist in agreement
"Except the Old Man..."
the crusted red rust has fallen
between my ankles as if something old
and weathered can be made new again

I step on the fragile fragments
attempting to hide the things I know
you don't want to see I brush
the brown dust from the top sides of my knees
where you just removed your hand
only feeling smooth, clean flesh

As if the past doesn't exist
and all the things we regret have been
set free by the silent creaking
of my two legs I'm screaming
"thank you!"
in my mind for not betraying me
this once

--------------------------------------------------------

My computer is still doing the weird spacing thing (see post below). And right now I can't unbold the first sentence in this post. Or erase it. Any suggestions?

I think this is great

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 14:56:00 +0000

Ms. magazine names women who had abortions
More than 5,000 signed petition saying they are unashamed of decision

BEER

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 20:43:00 +0000

I just re-read "Post Office" and it wasn't as good I remembered. I want to re-read "Women" next, I don't think it's capable of causing disappointment (Is there a hyphen there? I try to hyphenate everything).

And I've been talking shit about Buk's poetry, which I generally think is terrible, but I just found this gem and may re-think my criticisms.

BEER
from: Love is A Mad Dog From Hell

I don't know how many bottles of beer
I have consumed while waiting for things
to get better
I don't know how much wine and whisky
and beer
mostly beer
I have consumed after
splits with women-
waiting for the phone to ring
waiting for the sound of footsteps,
and the phone to ring
waiting for the sounds of footsteps,
and the phone never rings
until much later
and the footsteps never arrive
until much laterwhen my stomach is coming up
out of my mouth
they arrive as fresh as spring flowers:
"what the hell have you done to yourself?
it will be 3 days before you can fuck me!"

the female is durable
she lives seven and one half years longer
than the male, and she drinks very little beer
because she knows its bad for the figure.

while we are going mad
they are out
dancing and laughing
with horney cowboys.

well, there's beer
sacks and sacks of empty beer bottles
and when you pick one up
the bottle fall through the wet bottom
of the paper sack
rolling
clanking
spilling gray wet ash
and stale beer,
or the sacks fall over at 4 a.m.
in the morning
making the only sound in your life.

beer
rivers and seas of beer
the radio singing love songs
as the phone remains silent
and the walls stand
straight up and down
and beer is all there is.

Help those who can not help themselves

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Tue, 26 Sep 2006 13:22:00 +0000

I really love Scarlett Johansson. I love her in ways that are abnormal for a heterosexual woman to love another woman. But it's S-JH, YO.

And I hate shopping. I HATE SHOPPING. (did you know I hate shopping? especially when it involves clothing) I can't say for sure if I had a formal flying-jumpsuit that I wouldn't wear it off the airfield.

I tend to wear the same clothes over and over, my favorite shirts are a pair of (grey) men's beaters I bought to camp in two years ago - I try to alternate. I also enjoy a purple Bright Eyes t-shirt that may, or may not, be much too small for me.

But look at what I saw foor Scarlett in on Go Fug Yourself. It makes me sad and I think she should take it off immediately.

***On a far less interesting note, everything I write gets pushed down the page like this. Sometimes, it will let me move it up (it happens in Word too) but usually I erase the entire document when I try to delete the space. Does anyone know why this is happening and how to fix it??***

Tube advice needed

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 18:30:00 +0000

I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor is my new favorite song (I just found it yesterday). I'm extra-uncool when it comes to music and probably like these guys because they sound like the White Stripes (which I recognize) and are pretty hot, all nerdy and British.

_________________

I'm too lazy to find something for HNT. I'm irritated with my job. I'm not getting enough sex. I fucking hate doctors.

__________________

HOWEVER, I am getting my tubes tied very soon. I told them to schedule me for a laparoscopic procedure, where they go in through your belly button and burn them up. But there's a newer way my MD recommended called essure, where they go in vaginally, through the cervix, insert coils in the tubes and they scar closed. (they check three months later to make sure it took)

Laparoscopic is slightly less expensive so I chose that, but I really have no preference. Does anyone know anything about this??

Creepy picture, because I can.

I miss being young, skinny (and high)

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Tue, 19 Sep 2006 02:24:00 +0000

I went to a friend's going away party over the weekend.

Although it made me feel old and boring, it was nice seeing my H.S. girl friends. I kind of wish I never would have went away to school and instead did things like nanny in Argintina and move to Colorado, just for fun.

I did hear my favorite comment ever,

"You know I think of you everytime I get eaten out."

This is why parents shouldn't let their children hang out with older kids.

My most-inexpensive hobby

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Sat, 16 Sep 2006 20:22:00 +0000

I can't think of titles. I also think this is all action, and no imagery. It's a draft.

Pull my hair back
from my scalp
as I scream
in agony the pain
stretching my mouth
agape in a twisted
spitting "O"

Shear it thin
leave me raw
bleeding and bald
the cancer that won't
kill me slowly hair
by hair by
hair

Watch the blood
seep through each pore
tiny dots turning to
a wash of red
waves covering me
like a ghost in a crimson
sheet

poem-in-progress

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Wed, 13 Sep 2006 13:39:00 +0000

I once slept with a man
because he reminded me
of Ernest Hemingway

without a single literary skill
and a similar reputation
for honesty

down three wives (one
to go) his talent lie in his stories-
untruths I easily ignored

instead, I saw an aging naked man
I watched him fight mortality I saw

the bare spot on his head
he could not cover when we lied
side-bys-side

I saw an ass that flattened
and sagged, worn eyes useless
without glasses and a jar of suspicious blue
liquid next to his bathroom sink

“I’ve been to Africa,” he said
“I’ve seen death this close,” he continued

and as I nodded
in seeming appreciation the way younger
women have been nodding since the beginning
of younger women

I was really thinking
“You can’t fuck your way to youth”
“You can’t lie your way to absolution”

I can’t save you
from yourself

instead, I insisted that he fucked
like a young man and asked innocent questions
like if grey hairs ever grew from his eyelashes
(they didn’t)

I traced my smooth fingertips
long, manicured nail side up
across every scar on his body

and I drowned out their beginnings
with the Dylan albums of his youth

inwardly praising myself
for my own taut skin and future lifetime
of younger men

touching me and dreading
their own middle-age

"Confession"

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Tue, 12 Sep 2006 17:57:00 +0000

I just found one of my favorite poems ever, "Confession," by Susan Hahn, online. Blogger ruins it when I try to cut and paste it, but you should go check it out.

A highlight ...

Do you swear to tell the whole truth...?
No Sir, the truth hemorrhages in my pen,
but lies clotted on my tongue.

Do you want a lawyer?
No Sir, I like the unprotected exposure.

Are you a Confessional Poet?
No Sir, they all committed suicide
in the 60's and 70's.

If you can't tell, I love, love love confessional poetry - I'm only 30 years behind in the trend. hah! Unfortunately, Sharon Olds is the only living confessional poet I feel passionately about - if you're into dirty/creepy poems, she's your girl.

Hot-ass no more

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Mon, 11 Sep 2006 19:27:00 +0000

The SPANX (it might not really be in all caps, but come on SPANX? how do you resist) made it until lunch when I stripped them off at the tanning salon, decided to go commando and leave the SPANX in the backseat of my car.

Product review: My ass did look hot. My SPANX made it through a full 6 hours without a single tear. Besides living in fear of a yeast infection (and I think I'm still yeast-free) they were fairly comfortable. The tummy was tight, but they gave you enough material that you can hike them up under your breasts and avoid an unsightly fat-roll.

I have a hard time hiking anything up under my breasts and found the protruding fat-roll to be uncomfortable when I sit. Which is all day.

Although I have sworn off all activities relating to bridesmaids and especially bridesmaid dresses, I'm with Amanda - they'd be okay for special occations, but not for everyday.

I'm still getting birthday presents from last month. I like having two months of birthday. People really know what I like- meaning I keep receiving things I already own. I really appreciate the thought, but what do I do with these double-things?

In case you're waiting until the exact middle day between my birthday and Christmas, here's something I do not have:

Light blue VW hat
I know, I know, I'm against wearing labels - I cut them off and out of my clothes, But I really love my car. I LOVE MY CAR (do you hear that camero-Jessie??), I think a fuzzy little VW hat would help keep my Volkswagen happiness near, all winter long.
Notice the hat is a highway-robbery $29. Volkswagen has standards to uphold. EXPENSIVE standards to uphold. "Official" new daisies for my car are like $12 (I don't want to talk about it).
Luckily, the yarn for the matching scarf I'll knit will cost me under $5.

SPANX

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Mon, 11 Sep 2006 13:21:00 +0000

Check out my most recent impulse buy:

Yes, I realize I purchased over-priced footless pantyhose. But the ad said they were designed to flatter my ass, in pants.

After spending at least 10 minutes to get the damn wanna-be-pantyhose/tights on (we're both still in one piece!) I've decided that they're a yeast infection waiting to happen.

But damn, my ass looks hot.

(I haven't worn pantyhose for years, do they all take that long to shimmy into?)

And I don't even care that much about how my ass looks. I rarely bother wearing thongs to work. I wear boring cotton underwear with flowers or cherries or margaritas on them everyday (unless someone might see them ...)

But today I am wearing scary Spanx. I will probably start wiggling in my seat by this afternoon. I'll end up sharing the handicap stall with the smelly bulimic/laxative lady (we really have one - and she's skinny but the bathroom smells disgusting) and figure out how to get out of these suckers standing up.

The man I sleep with every night ...

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 21:36:00 +0000

Look for your favorite cat Princess/Gizmo/Ninja Kitty on www.stuffonmycat.com.

He just submitted his photo, but he's sure he and his dirty book will show up soon.

HNT - necklace

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 19:06:00 +0000

Things are ... going. I can't really decide what I think of them. I need to move out, which means finding a roommate or a second job. Both seem unlikely at the moment. I need do to a few other things ... and I just don't. Anyone have an extra dose of motivation, self-control and self-confidence to send my way??

I got some photos developed today. I can't figure out which necklace I have on in this picture. If anyone know, please e-mail: marilyndrew2002@yahoo.com. hah

Tuesday rant

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Tue, 05 Sep 2006 18:13:00 +0000

Pulling up next to my car at a stop light and hacking at me because I am smoking in my car (this has happened to me twice!!) only makes me want to light TWO cigarettes and blow them both your way.

Sell your minivan, buy some damn birth control and get a life.

Happy HNT!

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Thu, 31 Aug 2006 13:24:00 +0000

I found a body part I haven't featured yet. I'm running out of pieces. I also need to get some new pictures on my computer before I start posting photos of individual strands of my hair.

Coming soon:

Story about a one-armed man and an evil, evil flight attendant
Complaints about how, naturally and inadvertently, I WILL MAKE YOU MAD
A dirty/creepy poem that begins, "Peel back my flesh ..."
Pleas begging you to go see Bob Dylan with me in Chicago (because if no one will go, I think I might get really good seats alone - kinda weird/liberating)

My faith in the human race has been partially restored

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 13:57:00 +0000

My car got stuck in PARK all weekend. (and last week in the Loop, during rush hour)

I found this to be extremely frustrating and I assumed expensive.

I called the little VW people for a tow and they made me trouble-shoot first. After this phone call I learned that to get my car out of the PARK position I would have to:

Turn off all lights, flashers and music
Pump the break five times
Hold the break
Turn it on for five seconds
Turn it off
Keep holding the break
Quarter turn the key
Move the shift between N and D
Turn it on

The car was now ready to drive.

This worked.

The helpful customer service people would not, however, tell me what was wrong with my car. The would only give me instructions regarding how to move it "straight to a dealership for repairs", so they didn't have to cover an expensive tow.

It was the break light switch. This part is about $10, and about $90 to install it. I did a little investigating online and found out that there has been, or will be, a recall on the part. I called customer service. They asked for my VIN #, first born child and copy of my first pay stub from last year.

They would not admit to a recall, but said VW would cover the repair. The dealership did not offer this information, and had I not looked it up online and called the company, I would be out $100.

Which would seriously cut into my vodka/yarn/poem money.

I now have a freshly washed car that will shift out of park without having to do a song, dance and kiss on the trunk.

I have lots of stories -

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Fri, 25 Aug 2006 17:48:00 +0000

none of them exceptionally juicy. Maybe I'll blog more tonight.

I still have one Ben Harper ticket left for Sunday.

Some facts to hold you over:
1) My hotel shower is large enough to shower an entire family of four (but there's no tub)
2) The entire state of Arkansas, and especially the men that live there, kind of creep me out
3) No matter what I buy, it will break and soon drop to ghetto status
4) Buildings in Madrid are much shorter than in Chicago
5) No matter how hard I try to be friendly to all the mass of strangers that try to make buddies with me, I will offend someone. Soon and often

Belated HNT

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 14:16:00 +0000

I kind of have a small smile - I have no idea how I made it so big in this picture. Also, this photo is from a few years ago. Proof that only a few years of smoking will start yellowing your teeth. (sexy, I know)

Last night I was reminded what a mean drunk I can be. Seemingly out of the blue, I told this guy (who I've slept with) that I had no idea what a slut he is. It was mean and petty. I mean, he is ho-ey, but regardless, I wouldn't want someone to say something like that to me. (although if I had a girlfriend in another state and was ho'n it with a bunch of women around town, I would understand the sentiment)

I'm not crying over it or anything, but I don't like being that type of person.

About a year and a half ago, the last time I blacked out drinking (after LMC's birthday), I quit drinking for a month. Considering that I haven't went more than a week without getting drunk since, it may be time to give it another try. If nothing else, just to see how I feel and give some other interests a try. (and save some money!)

It looks like my mean doctor might finally refill my anxiety medicine (which I just learned I can snort to get high - hah!), which should really help with how much I drink.

If I give this a try, maybe I'll tackle smoking next.

Kyle can be my inspiration.

Screw babies

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 15:54:00 +0000

If we had a restaurant here that had "no kids" signs up, or only accepted well-behaved children-

I would eat there every day in support.

No brats aloud

lalala back on my soapbox

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 17:38:00 +0000

Somehow NARAL Pro-Choice America found out how important keeping my ovaries clean and the availability of birth control is to me and has been sending me weekly e-mail updates regarding the status of reproduction rights in America.

They also ask for money and have been disappointed to find out that I have none.

The latest e-mail said that they poled Americans and there is good news: 77% of American voters agree that reproductive choices, such as abortion should be left up the individual.

They also made me answer the survey myself, before receiving the results. I'm surprised that 23% of conservatives went anywhere in the vicinity of Pro-Choice America to answer their survey.

Why bother even sending that information out? Instead of encouraging people to vote for pro-choice candidates, if nothing else, because of the awful state of reproduction rights in America today, it is giving them the message that it is not important to speak out because there are so many others are on their side. If you're going to skew a survey, at least do it in favor of your cause.

Click here to see how your congressperson's record regarding choice.

Condom pants!

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 20:24:00 +0000

I just read my favorite post ever over at The Hot Librarian.

First of all, balls seem kind of dirty. And hairy balls (don't get me started) are probably breeding grounds for all types of diseases. How come you don't see BallCondoms in stores? Do they make BallCondoms so we women can safely suck (hairless!) balls?

Although CondomPants seem a bit extreme, I would like to have sex with condoms made of impenetrable, Superman-like steal. And if for some reason this isn't enough, I would prefer the millions and millions and millions of little babies that men release then turn around and swim all over them, possibly into their condom pants - and far from my healthy ovaries.

I would also like to see more products to make men come more quickly. (Get ready, we're going to share) I can get off in less than two minutes, so by the time we get to minutes four and five, I'm ready for a sandwich and a nap.

A sandwich and a nap are far more appealing to me than waiting for some plowpoke guy to release his demon seed.

And I love cum (come?), I really do. I love cum all over me (just not my hair, nose and eyelashes) except near my ovaries. I imagine my ovaries having long tube-arms with suckers on the ends, inhaling like a super-Hoover when sperm gets anywhere near them. They may also suck at condoms, and that's why they should probably be superglued on at the base before each sexual encounter.

You can never be too safe, right?

because I couldn't keep this to myself

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Mon, 14 Aug 2006 18:13:00 +0000

OK GO

(blogger wouldn't let me imbed it)

Dear Blog Gods,

noreply@blogger.com (Marilyndrew) — Fri, 11 Aug 2006 15:43:00 +0000

I passed on gossip to my boss to score points and make conversation.

I feel appropriately disgusted and don't plan to do it again.

Please forgive me.

Sincerely, Marilyndrew