Shit Happens

Monday Monday

2006-10-09T08:31:00.000-05:00

I want to write about how I LOVE EVERYONE. Yes, even at 8:30 a.m. on Monday morning. I love YOU.

I'm tired of being a grouch.

My good mood may have just snagged me a corn maze date. He's very cute - he enjoys spongebob cartoons and air guitar. He's only four but he's honest, has his priorities straight and laughs a lot.

My kind of man.

I didn't shower this morning and feel absolutely disgusting. Sometimes I think I have super powers, which involve not sleeping for days. I know, I'm the lamest super hero ever. I'm the dirty, smelly one in the back with bug-eyes that doesn't get invited to any of the super hero parties.

I'll work on the cleanliness part.

GIANT CONDOMS (take THAT google)

2006-10-06T13:16:00.000-05:00

I stole Things in Rubbers from the The Hot Librarian.
It's really things in rubbers.
And I love rubbers! I just bought a 12-pack of giant ones, GIANT CONDOMS that I can put GIANT THINGS into. (take that as you will) I have minimal experience with giant condoms, so I'm not sure if they come in packs smaller than 12. GIANT CONDOMS, GIANT QUANTITIES??
Maybe so.
I would assume men who require GIANT CONDOMS may need GIANT QUANITITIES of condoms to accomodate the GIANT amount of ass they receive (this is why my blog is annonymous!).
And since I haven't gotten laid more than three times in a single week during the course of my GIANT CONDOM use, I should have GIANT CONDOMS to spare.
I'm so overwhelmed with excitement I can't decide what to put in them first. Ohhh, and since I don't need to keep my bacon/rubber ducky/dead fish "safe," I can reuse one GIANT CONDOM for all of my GIANT CONDOM photo needs.
And yes, I wish I had a photo to accompany this post. ;)

TGIF

2006-10-06T09:11:00.000-05:00

I'm fully aware I need to branch out and write about things besides violent sex and wet thighs. It's doubtful ...

Rusted

My thighs unhinge when you speak
of Hemingway and Fitzgerald
an oiled joint made moist in agreement
"Except the Old Man..."
the crusted red rust has fallen
between my ankles as if something old
and weathered can be made new again

I step on the fragile fragments
attempting to hide the things I know
you don't want to see I brush
the brown dust from the top sides of my knees
where you just removed your hand
only feeling smooth, clean flesh

As if the past doesn't exist
and all the things we regret have been
set free by the silent creaking
of my two legs I'm screaming
"thank you!"
in my mind for not betraying me
this once

--------------------------------------------------------

My computer is still doing the weird spacing thing (see post below). And right now I can't unbold the first sentence in this post. Or erase it. Any suggestions?

I think this is great

2006-10-05T09:56:00.000-05:00

Ms. magazine names women who had abortions
More than 5,000 signed petition saying they are unashamed of decision

BEER

2006-09-28T15:43:00.000-05:00

I just re-read "Post Office" and it wasn't as good I remembered. I want to re-read "Women" next, I don't think it's capable of causing disappointment (Is there a hyphen there? I try to hyphenate everything).

And I've been talking shit about Buk's poetry, which I generally think is terrible, but I just found this gem and may re-think my criticisms.

BEER
from: Love is A Mad Dog From Hell

I don't know how many bottles of beer
I have consumed while waiting for things
to get better
I don't know how much wine and whisky
and beer
mostly beer
I have consumed after
splits with women-
waiting for the phone to ring
waiting for the sound of footsteps,
and the phone to ring
waiting for the sounds of footsteps,
and the phone never rings
until much later
and the footsteps never arrive
until much laterwhen my stomach is coming up
out of my mouth
they arrive as fresh as spring flowers:
"what the hell have you done to yourself?
it will be 3 days before you can fuck me!"

the female is durable
she lives seven and one half years longer
than the male, and she drinks very little beer
because she knows its bad for the figure.

while we are going mad
they are out
dancing and laughing
with horney cowboys.

well, there's beer
sacks and sacks of empty beer bottles
and when you pick one up
the bottle fall through the wet bottom
of the paper sack
rolling
clanking
spilling gray wet ash
and stale beer,
or the sacks fall over at 4 a.m.
in the morning
making the only sound in your life.

beer
rivers and seas of beer
the radio singing love songs
as the phone remains silent
and the walls stand
straight up and down
and beer is all there is.

Help those who can not help themselves

2006-09-26T08:22:00.000-05:00

I really love Scarlett Johansson. I love her in ways that are abnormal for a heterosexual woman to love another woman. But it's S-JH, YO.

And I hate shopping. I HATE SHOPPING. (did you know I hate shopping? especially when it involves clothing) I can't say for sure if I had a formal flying-jumpsuit that I wouldn't wear it off the airfield.

I tend to wear the same clothes over and over, my favorite shirts are a pair of (grey) men's beaters I bought to camp in two years ago - I try to alternate. I also enjoy a purple Bright Eyes t-shirt that may, or may not, be much too small for me.

But look at what I saw foor Scarlett in on Go Fug Yourself. It makes me sad and I think she should take it off immediately.

***On a far less interesting note, everything I write gets pushed down the page like this. Sometimes, it will let me move it up (it happens in Word too) but usually I erase the entire document when I try to delete the space. Does anyone know why this is happening and how to fix it??***

Tube advice needed

2006-09-21T13:30:00.000-05:00

I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor is my new favorite song (I just found it yesterday). I'm extra-uncool when it comes to music and probably like these guys because they sound like the White Stripes (which I recognize) and are pretty hot, all nerdy and British.

_________________

I'm too lazy to find something for HNT. I'm irritated with my job. I'm not getting enough sex. I fucking hate doctors.

__________________

HOWEVER, I am getting my tubes tied very soon. I told them to schedule me for a laparoscopic procedure, where they go in through your belly button and burn them up. But there's a newer way my MD recommended called essure, where they go in vaginally, through the cervix, insert coils in the tubes and they scar closed. (they check three months later to make sure it took)

Laparoscopic is slightly less expensive so I chose that, but I really have no preference. Does anyone know anything about this??

Creepy picture, because I can.

I miss being young, skinny (and high)

2006-09-18T21:24:00.000-05:00

I went to a friend's going away party over the weekend.

Although it made me feel old and boring, it was nice seeing my H.S. girl friends. I kind of wish I never would have went away to school and instead did things like nanny in Argintina and move to Colorado, just for fun.

I did hear my favorite comment ever,

"You know I think of you everytime I get eaten out."

This is why parents shouldn't let their children hang out with older kids.

My most-inexpensive hobby

2006-09-16T15:22:00.000-05:00

I can't think of titles. I also think this is all action, and no imagery. It's a draft.

Pull my hair back
from my scalp
as I scream
in agony the pain
stretching my mouth
agape in a twisted
spitting "O"

Shear it thin
leave me raw
bleeding and bald
the cancer that won't
kill me slowly hair
by hair by
hair

Watch the blood
seep through each pore
tiny dots turning to
a wash of red
waves covering me
like a ghost in a crimson
sheet

poem-in-progress

2006-09-13T08:39:00.000-05:00

I once slept with a man
because he reminded me
of Ernest Hemingway

without a single literary skill
and a similar reputation
for honesty

down three wives (one
to go) his talent lie in his stories-
untruths I easily ignored

instead, I saw an aging naked man
I watched him fight mortality I saw

the bare spot on his head
he could not cover when we lied
side-bys-side

I saw an ass that flattened
and sagged, worn eyes useless
without glasses and a jar of suspicious blue
liquid next to his bathroom sink

“I’ve been to Africa,” he said
“I’ve seen death this close,” he continued

and as I nodded
in seeming appreciation the way younger
women have been nodding since the beginning
of younger women

I was really thinking
“You can’t fuck your way to youth”
“You can’t lie your way to absolution”

I can’t save you
from yourself

instead, I insisted that he fucked
like a young man and asked innocent questions
like if grey hairs ever grew from his eyelashes
(they didn’t)

I traced my smooth fingertips
long, manicured nail side up
across every scar on his body

and I drowned out their beginnings
with the Dylan albums of his youth

inwardly praising myself
for my own taut skin and future lifetime
of younger men

touching me and dreading
their own middle-age

"Confession"

2006-09-12T12:57:00.000-05:00

I just found one of my favorite poems ever, "Confession," by Susan Hahn, online. Blogger ruins it when I try to cut and paste it, but you should go check it out.

A highlight ...

Do you swear to tell the whole truth...?
No Sir, the truth hemorrhages in my pen,
but lies clotted on my tongue.

Do you want a lawyer?
No Sir, I like the unprotected exposure.

Are you a Confessional Poet?
No Sir, they all committed suicide
in the 60's and 70's.

If you can't tell, I love, love love confessional poetry - I'm only 30 years behind in the trend. hah! Unfortunately, Sharon Olds is the only living confessional poet I feel passionately about - if you're into dirty/creepy poems, she's your girl.

Hot-ass no more

2006-09-11T14:27:00.000-05:00

The SPANX (it might not really be in all caps, but come on SPANX? how do you resist) made it until lunch when I stripped them off at the tanning salon, decided to go commando and leave the SPANX in the backseat of my car.

Product review: My ass did look hot. My SPANX made it through a full 6 hours without a single tear. Besides living in fear of a yeast infection (and I think I'm still yeast-free) they were fairly comfortable. The tummy was tight, but they gave you enough material that you can hike them up under your breasts and avoid an unsightly fat-roll.

I have a hard time hiking anything up under my breasts and found the protruding fat-roll to be uncomfortable when I sit. Which is all day.

Although I have sworn off all activities relating to bridesmaids and especially bridesmaid dresses, I'm with Amanda - they'd be okay for special occations, but not for everyday.

I'm still getting birthday presents from last month. I like having two months of birthday. People really know what I like- meaning I keep receiving things I already own. I really appreciate the thought, but what do I do with these double-things?

In case you're waiting until the exact middle day between my birthday and Christmas, here's something I do not have:

Light blue VW hat
I know, I know, I'm against wearing labels - I cut them off and out of my clothes, But I really love my car. I LOVE MY CAR (do you hear that camero-Jessie??), I think a fuzzy little VW hat would help keep my Volkswagen happiness near, all winter long.
Notice the hat is a highway-robbery $29. Volkswagen has standards to uphold. EXPENSIVE standards to uphold. "Official" new daisies for my car are like $12 (I don't want to talk about it).
Luckily, the yarn for the matching scarf I'll knit will cost me under $5.

SPANX

2006-09-11T08:21:00.000-05:00

Check out my most recent impulse buy:

Yes, I realize I purchased over-priced footless pantyhose. But the ad said they were designed to flatter my ass, in pants.

After spending at least 10 minutes to get the damn wanna-be-pantyhose/tights on (we're both still in one piece!) I've decided that they're a yeast infection waiting to happen.

But damn, my ass looks hot.

(I haven't worn pantyhose for years, do they all take that long to shimmy into?)

And I don't even care that much about how my ass looks. I rarely bother wearing thongs to work. I wear boring cotton underwear with flowers or cherries or margaritas on them everyday (unless someone might see them ...)

But today I am wearing scary Spanx. I will probably start wiggling in my seat by this afternoon. I'll end up sharing the handicap stall with the smelly bulimic/laxative lady (we really have one - and she's skinny but the bathroom smells disgusting) and figure out how to get out of these suckers standing up.

The man I sleep with every night ...

2006-09-07T16:36:00.000-05:00

Look for your favorite cat Princess/Gizmo/Ninja Kitty on www.stuffonmycat.com.

He just submitted his photo, but he's sure he and his dirty book will show up soon.

HNT - necklace

2006-09-07T14:06:00.000-05:00

Things are ... going. I can't really decide what I think of them. I need to move out, which means finding a roommate or a second job. Both seem unlikely at the moment. I need do to a few other things ... and I just don't. Anyone have an extra dose of motivation, self-control and self-confidence to send my way??

I got some photos developed today. I can't figure out which necklace I have on in this picture. If anyone know, please e-mail: marilyndrew2002@yahoo.com. hah

Tuesday rant

2006-09-05T13:13:00.000-05:00

Pulling up next to my car at a stop light and hacking at me because I am smoking in my car (this has happened to me twice!!) only makes me want to light TWO cigarettes and blow them both your way.

Sell your minivan, buy some damn birth control and get a life.

Happy HNT!

2006-08-31T08:24:00.000-05:00

I found a body part I haven't featured yet. I'm running out of pieces. I also need to get some new pictures on my computer before I start posting photos of individual strands of my hair.

Coming soon:

Story about a one-armed man and an evil, evil flight attendant
Complaints about how, naturally and inadvertently, I WILL MAKE YOU MAD
A dirty/creepy poem that begins, "Peel back my flesh ..."
Pleas begging you to go see Bob Dylan with me in Chicago (because if no one will go, I think I might get really good seats alone - kinda weird/liberating)

My faith in the human race has been partially restored

2006-08-29T08:57:00.000-05:00

My car got stuck in PARK all weekend. (and last week in the Loop, during rush hour)

I found this to be extremely frustrating and I assumed expensive.

I called the little VW people for a tow and they made me trouble-shoot first. After this phone call I learned that to get my car out of the PARK position I would have to:

Turn off all lights, flashers and music
Pump the break five times
Hold the break
Turn it on for five seconds
Turn it off
Keep holding the break
Quarter turn the key
Move the shift between N and D
Turn it on

The car was now ready to drive.

This worked.

The helpful customer service people would not, however, tell me what was wrong with my car. The would only give me instructions regarding how to move it "straight to a dealership for repairs", so they didn't have to cover an expensive tow.

It was the break light switch. This part is about $10, and about $90 to install it. I did a little investigating online and found out that there has been, or will be, a recall on the part. I called customer service. They asked for my VIN #, first born child and copy of my first pay stub from last year.

They would not admit to a recall, but said VW would cover the repair. The dealership did not offer this information, and had I not looked it up online and called the company, I would be out $100.

Which would seriously cut into my vodka/yarn/poem money.

I now have a freshly washed car that will shift out of park without having to do a song, dance and kiss on the trunk.

I have lots of stories -

2006-08-25T12:48:00.000-05:00

none of them exceptionally juicy. Maybe I'll blog more tonight.

I still have one Ben Harper ticket left for Sunday.

Some facts to hold you over:
1) My hotel shower is large enough to shower an entire family of four (but there's no tub)
2) The entire state of Arkansas, and especially the men that live there, kind of creep me out
3) No matter what I buy, it will break and soon drop to ghetto status
4) Buildings in Madrid are much shorter than in Chicago
5) No matter how hard I try to be friendly to all the mass of strangers that try to make buddies with me, I will offend someone. Soon and often

Belated HNT

2006-08-18T09:16:00.000-05:00

I kind of have a small smile - I have no idea how I made it so big in this picture. Also, this photo is from a few years ago. Proof that only a few years of smoking will start yellowing your teeth. (sexy, I know)

Last night I was reminded what a mean drunk I can be. Seemingly out of the blue, I told this guy (who I've slept with) that I had no idea what a slut he is. It was mean and petty. I mean, he is ho-ey, but regardless, I wouldn't want someone to say something like that to me. (although if I had a girlfriend in another state and was ho'n it with a bunch of women around town, I would understand the sentiment)

I'm not crying over it or anything, but I don't like being that type of person.

About a year and a half ago, the last time I blacked out drinking (after LMC's birthday), I quit drinking for a month. Considering that I haven't went more than a week without getting drunk since, it may be time to give it another try. If nothing else, just to see how I feel and give some other interests a try. (and save some money!)

It looks like my mean doctor might finally refill my anxiety medicine (which I just learned I can snort to get high - hah!), which should really help with how much I drink.

If I give this a try, maybe I'll tackle smoking next.

Kyle can be my inspiration.

Screw babies

2006-08-17T10:54:00.000-05:00

If we had a restaurant here that had "no kids" signs up, or only accepted well-behaved children-

I would eat there every day in support.

No brats aloud

lalala back on my soapbox

2006-08-16T12:38:00.000-05:00

Somehow NARAL Pro-Choice America found out how important keeping my ovaries clean and the availability of birth control is to me and has been sending me weekly e-mail updates regarding the status of reproduction rights in America.

They also ask for money and have been disappointed to find out that I have none.

The latest e-mail said that they poled Americans and there is good news: 77% of American voters agree that reproductive choices, such as abortion should be left up the individual.

They also made me answer the survey myself, before receiving the results. I'm surprised that 23% of conservatives went anywhere in the vicinity of Pro-Choice America to answer their survey.

Why bother even sending that information out? Instead of encouraging people to vote for pro-choice candidates, if nothing else, because of the awful state of reproduction rights in America today, it is giving them the message that it is not important to speak out because there are so many others are on their side. If you're going to skew a survey, at least do it in favor of your cause.

Click here to see how your congressperson's record regarding choice.

Condom pants!

2006-08-15T15:24:00.000-05:00

I just read my favorite post ever over at The Hot Librarian.

First of all, balls seem kind of dirty. And hairy balls (don't get me started) are probably breeding grounds for all types of diseases. How come you don't see BallCondoms in stores? Do they make BallCondoms so we women can safely suck (hairless!) balls?

Although CondomPants seem a bit extreme, I would like to have sex with condoms made of impenetrable, Superman-like steal. And if for some reason this isn't enough, I would prefer the millions and millions and millions of little babies that men release then turn around and swim all over them, possibly into their condom pants - and far from my healthy ovaries.

I would also like to see more products to make men come more quickly. (Get ready, we're going to share) I can get off in less than two minutes, so by the time we get to minutes four and five, I'm ready for a sandwich and a nap.

A sandwich and a nap are far more appealing to me than waiting for some plowpoke guy to release his demon seed.

And I love cum (come?), I really do. I love cum all over me (just not my hair, nose and eyelashes) except near my ovaries. I imagine my ovaries having long tube-arms with suckers on the ends, inhaling like a super-Hoover when sperm gets anywhere near them. They may also suck at condoms, and that's why they should probably be superglued on at the base before each sexual encounter.

You can never be too safe, right?

because I couldn't keep this to myself

2006-08-14T13:13:00.000-05:00

OK GO

(blogger wouldn't let me imbed it)

Dear Blog Gods,

2006-08-11T10:43:00.000-05:00

I passed on gossip to my boss to score points and make conversation.

I feel appropriately disgusted and don't plan to do it again.

Please forgive me.

Sincerely, Marilyndrew

I almost forgot

2006-08-10T14:32:00.000-05:00

Happy HNT!!

Uncurling from the fetal position

2006-08-10T12:47:00.000-05:00

Did I tell you that I HATE staying in hotels? I think they are filthy. I don't like not having my own things. I especially hate their filthy duvet covers. I've never lived in apartment and am not used ot hearing neighbors. My neighbors will probably be having sex without me and I'll get fired when I get back for ordering porn in my room.

Does anyone want to go on a fun two-day Chicago trip with me (Wed.-Fri.)? You drive. I have stuff all day, but the hotel is in the loop. Gas is paid for, parking is paid and I will bring clean sheets.

At least I get to smoke.

To The Girls Upstairs

2006-08-08T12:47:00.000-05:00

This is way old and has been published in some other stuff, but it was also just accepted in the new Springfield writing magazine, The Writer's Block.

Since I feel so negatively about the older stuff I've written, I should spend less time concerning myself with how I am going to handle my sex life and less time drinking myself stupid, and more time writing. I'll let you know how that works out. :)

To the Girls Upstairs

You are nice; it is lucky we are neighbors.

I don’t have cable, but you do
and I feel as if I’m there with you
and your T.V. friends
until past midnight each night.

I don’t feel I have the standard music staples
every college student should own. But you play The Dead -
pictures, posters, and paraphernalia greet me
when I come to the door. Through you,
I receive my daily dose of classic rock.

And techno. I don’t care for it myself
but my roommate loves it.
It’s convenient that you’ve picked up the C.D.s
she hasn’t purchased herself.

It is too bad about the heat
but 62 is more than enough
to prevent pipes from freezing. I heard
the girls last year bought space heaters.
Maybe you’ll get one for your bird.
I know he gets cold.

I bet your ferrets are especially cute
when they huddle together in the night.

Do they mate more in the winter?
If not, they may be distracted by the television. You could
buy movies, to set the mood.

I have extra blankets you can borrow; I have five
on my bed alone. But I’ve heard your furniture move
and assume the activity
keeps you warm.

My roommate says it’s your bed banging
But your boyfriend only visits
every other weekend.

I do not feel it is my place
to ask. Instead, I keep my eyes open
for any rearranging.

I wish I was a giant panda

2006-08-08T08:31:00.000-05:00

Giant pandas ovulate ONCE a year (ONE period). And have a breeding period of 24-48 hours. TWO DAYS out of the entire year they may become pregnant. When they do become pregnant, their half-pound babies usually die.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14240372/

These are the things I fantasize about.

I'm heartless, I know.

I've already had a cake made for me!!

2006-08-04T14:58:00.000-05:00

Thanks Good Looking Sarah!

Tangled up in blue

2006-08-03T15:29:00.000-05:00

Essential

My birthday is in less than three weeks. I would also like an ipod. (hah!)

This Dylan phase is getting out of control.

I love it.

And now, something I haven't shown before ...

2006-08-03T12:33:00.000-05:00

Presenting ...

my thumb

The Girls Next Door

2006-08-01T14:07:00.000-05:00

This is my new favorite show.

Today I took some personal time to tan and get a pedicure.

I am nothing of substance.

And okay with that.

Laser, kidney stones, passing remnants

2006-07-31T08:04:00.000-05:00

If you've recently searched :

Why don't I have facial hair like everyone else my age?
gynecologist violated
crooked boobs, or
father and sons magazine for spanking kids

I'm sorry to disappoint you.

I may be a ho, but I could pass an ethics exam

2006-07-28T15:10:00.000-05:00

True Ethical Slut

Whoa! You scored 33 Sluttiness Points and 11 Ethics Points! Interesting...

Doesn’t sex just kick ass? You love it and your friends love it and your playmates love it. Sex is that overflowing bowl of ice cream you just have to share with the world. Because maybe, just maybe, if we can get more happy good sex out into the world, we can make it a happier place for everyone in it. You know how to communicate about what you want and how to listen to your partner’s desires. You even use your turn signals. You’re just an all around good person. You are one of the beautiful people.

It also said I am 99% both more slutty and ethical than the average for my gender and age.

I make my mother proud.

Does it even surprise you that I'm a day late?

2006-07-28T10:23:00.000-05:00

No, not that kind of late.

Happy (belated) HNT to me

Love of my life

2006-07-28T10:12:00.000-05:00

This guy doesn't want children, has a big nose and obviously likes to drink. It may be destiny.

http://www.settleforbrian.com/

even aanimals are better dressed than me

2006-07-28T08:39:00.000-05:00

The Project Runway designers were given dogs and had to make up a story for them and matching outfits for their owners. The girl who go kicked off put her puppy in a hoodie.

In general, I don't believe that animals should wear clothing but hoodies may be entirely necessary. (I'm too lazy to search for her dog, but here's cat in a hoodie)

Also, I need some pictures with piles of crap on my own cat. He doesn't have any outfits of his own, so I just be creative. Any suggestions?

Modest Mouse in the morning

2006-07-26T11:05:00.000-05:00

I listen to this C.D. in the morning to put me in a good mood.

Float on video

In case you want someone to dance with (The World at Large)

Blogger won't let me drop in any photos today. :(

Note to self ...

2006-07-25T12:51:00.000-05:00

While tanning, the inside of your shoe is not a good place to put your gum. You probably won't remember you put it there and when you the shoes on the gum may stick your foot to your shoe and get all over your pants.

I trump your 32 and raise you 20

2006-07-24T13:04:00.000-05:00

Today I learned that my breasts weigh between 10 and 30 pounds collectively.

And that if I was insane and chose to have breasts this large that they would be closer to the 30-lbs side. (why would someone to that to themselves??)

Although I am irritated that I have to put on weightlifting gloves before I put on my bra every morning, I am happy to subtract the 30 lbs pound from my weight on the scale.

(it's been a slow Monday, I got nothing)

back on my soapbox

2006-07-21T16:10:00.000-05:00

This is the kind of shit our government spends its money on - instead of healthcare, education or veteran benefits.

more stuff I (and you??) need

2006-07-21T13:31:00.000-05:00

Drippy rainbow T

Ri din' Dylan

Back in action

2006-07-20T13:58:00.000-05:00

A pair of my new favorite shoes.

The Pope's Penis

2006-07-19T08:21:00.000-05:00

And this is the signature that has been attached to all of my personal outgoing e-mail for the past year.

It hangs deep in his robes, a delicate
clapper at the center of a bell.
It moves when he moves, a ghostly fish in a
halo of silver seaweed, the hair
swaying in the dark and the heat -- and at night
while his eyes sleep, it stands up
in praise of God.
-Sharon Olds The Pope's Penis

I didn't see this as a problem (sending this charming little ditty to my grandparents) until my mom called in a hissy yesterday, after realizing that some of our family had been copied on some photos I had sent her.

It's now been changed to a boring Hemingway quote.

London London London

2006-07-19T08:00:00.000-05:00

I think Fergie is rediculous and embaresses herself so much it embaresses me to watch her.

But not as much as it embaresses me that I like this song.

And I think it's hot when she dances with the guard, repeat hip thursts and all.

Triscuit dust and condom stock

2006-07-14T16:43:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to some punkyish-gayish bar were I got hammered on screwdrivers, admired PhilO's hot Brittish friend and decided that if lesbians looked that good in the midwest I would convert.

Then we went to a trashy dance/pool place were the ratio of men to women was around 3 to 4. I was already with two cute guys so I left the trash-guys alone and made friends with all the hot ladies for buddies.

All attempts were unsuccessful.

I spent part of the night on the floor because the bed spun too much. Phil has all these down sheets/pads/pillows, which I'm allergic too, but are extrtemely confortable.

I forgot to get keys from him this morning so now his apartment is spotless. Kitchen, floors, windows - I washed the bathtub so I could take a bath in it. (I know, I didn't learn from my first time cleaning a friend's apt., but I have faith this time it will go better)

While cleaning I found out that PhilO has more condoms than an Amsterdam whorehouse. (They were out! I didn't go through the drawers or anything)

Good for him.

The only snack food I could find was Triscuits. I breath in the little Triscuit dust while chewing and might be coughing for the rest of my life.

I'm in heaven.

Chimes of Freedom Flashing

2006-07-13T01:30:00.000-05:00

(Chimes ring, not flash. Although I enjoy the consonence, it doesn't make sense. And why does everyone say "alliteration," when they usually mean "consonence"? And when am I going to figure out how to spell??)

I BELONG IN THE NORTHWEST!!

In the past week I've met four cousins, hiked down a waterfall to swim, bought four pairs of shoes totalling less than $65, and learned the use and purposes of six different types of gun.

I knew I was missing out in the midwest, but I had no idea how much. My family has treated me as if I never left. No one smokes here. Everyone recyles. Moutains and greenery line the highways. I HAVEN'T SEEN A SINGLE CORN FIELD!!!

I have no idea which area I want to live in, but I'm missing so much by being away. I really need to come up with a concrete plan that includes moving within a few years (ASAP). It's going to be so hard to leave on Saturday ...

Things I've learned in the past two days:

2006-07-06T11:23:00.000-05:00

1) It is possiable to sneak both lighters and vodka in a carry-on, through airport security
2) Regardless of the fact that I am NOT carrying drugs, the dogs make me damn nervous
3) All the cute men you're not seeing around town - yeah, they're hanging out in the airport
4) Graduates from my tiny, liberal arts college do occationally leave the midwest. (I sat next to a 1970 alum on the plane)
5) Continually pouring liquid from small liquer bottles into your drinks will discourage row-mates from making small talk with you
6) I still hate small children and don't think they should be alloud in most public places uncaged and without a mussel
7) The entire state of WA is non-smoking
8) 20-year old boys DO NOT clean their bathroom for visiters, no matter how much they love them
9) Compared to a pre-school teacher, I sure swear a fuck of a lot

10) This is home.
I can't believe it's been four years.

Family bonding

2006-07-03T12:23:00.000-05:00

Mom: "Did you take the crossword from the paper this morning?"
Me: "Yes."
Mom: "Make sure to cut it out next time. You took the dead people."
Me: "The dead people?"
Mom: "Yes, I need to see the dead people. As people get older, they start checking to see who died."
Me: "So is it a good day when there are few deaths, because more of your friends are still around? Or is it better when more people die, so the quota is filled and your odds look better?"
Mom: "I don't know. It doesn't make me sad to read them. I just need to count them."

croc of ...

2006-06-30T13:15:00.000-05:00

Will someone please explain the explosion of plastic gardening shoes to me?

I just found out today that they are called "crocs" and come in men's sizes too.

I imagine this fall I will see ladies in these hideous shoes WITH their awful convertible scarves.

Man, it's hard being a style maven (HAHAHA!). But while searching for the awful scarf that converts to a dress that converts to a neck warmer that converts to a tube top, I did find something that would be right up my ally (Providing I didn't feel semi-hatred toward all frog-
like objects)

Anyone know how to knit a sloth scarf?

And I'm a "selfish" and a "coward"

2006-06-30T10:32:00.000-05:00

Remember the crazy ex? (fine, the hot guy in the towel)

First of all, he's friends with the rapist - he (the ex) acts like I just don't "get it" about this sex offender stuff, but doesn't have an explanation. Which I assume means he's the guy's friend no matter what, and the story is that the guy is a scummy rapist. That's fine (it's not really fine, but there's nothing I can do about it), but don't act like I don't "understand" and am overly judgmental (I'm not denying that this may be true, just that it is not true in this situation) because I'm coming down on your sex offender friend.

SO, I don't think I have to think about whether I am going to see him in September because he's so offended I avoided him the last time (he just figured it out now??) that he's not talking to me. And he doesn't understand why I think he's manipulative and critical, but he did send me two separate e-mails about how I have a death wish by smoking, it makes me inconsiderate to my family, I'm disgusting and unsexy.

"Hi, how have you been? Oh, you still smoke? You're going to die and I think you're weak."

He's a charmer.

I know that smoking is bad for me, I know it smells bad, but couldn't he at least wait until a ten or twelth e-mail to "helpfully" remind me of that?

Did I tell you about how he got mad at his roommate in college and cut all of his computer cords, or soaked them in water and plugged them back in or pulled out all the guts out of his hard drive and put it back together? The computer his roommate was nice enough to share with him. I can't remember which thing it actually was, but he did something awful to it - right before he left the state.

(I didn't get a chance to ask if his cats are really dead by now)

love the glove

2006-06-29T14:24:00.000-05:00

I really want to get one of those phone headsets to use in the car, mostly for long trips. However, the guy across the wall confirmed they may not be the best options for public places.

I now know all about his break up with his girlfriend, his wife's jealousy and how he would handle a potential custody battle. (which would involve weekends)

How can a man consider himself a good father when he sees his children every other weekend?? I see my friends more than that. I see my friends' kids (okay, my one friend with a kid-I'm not really in the market for any more) more than that. And she only has half custody! Which is of course how I think it should be in a seperation.

Why do men have kids if they're only going to see them part time?

There's another girl, who is a friend of a friend, that we see out every weekend. Why did she have a kid if she's never going to see him on the weekends?? In her defense, she was in her teens when she had him, but either have an abortion or make a huge lifestyle change.

I know it's easy to say when you don't have children, but this is why I don't have children! Use a condom, buy a dog and volunteer with kids if you're not going to get involved with your own.

HNT

2006-06-29T08:12:00.000-05:00

I'm really going to write some real-life posts. Soon. Like maybe later today or tomorrow.

Until then, here's more of my long hair that I love.

I want to type in the little face box, but blogger won't let me. But if someone can guess where this photo was taken (from only the photo in the background) you'll win a prize.

Keyword analysis

2006-06-28T09:59:00.000-05:00

If you search for:

myspace deaths
messagers & vibrators
getting married after 5 months
dangers of chewing toothpicks
what happens if you dont fill out a illinois motorist report
csi barkers blink
melissa in bra on treadmill
shit happens but dont worry only to me

you may stumble upon this blog.

Who do you recognize?

2006-06-27T10:12:00.000-05:00

Whenever I go into Fusion (formerly 11 West) say that I went to high school with this guy and that I'm pretty sure he's on the sex offender registry.

He's in there for "CRIMINAL SEXUAL ASSAULT/FORCE." I'm surprised (and disgusted!) that a bar would hire a rapist for their security.

So, if you see the owner/management of the bar, congratulate them on their outstanding fair practices (EOE) hiring.

Dirty question of the day

2006-06-26T13:05:00.000-05:00

Do you think 50 is too old to sleep with? (this is an attractive 50!)

And at what age to men start using Viagra? Without pharmaceuticals, I can't imagine they have very good recovery time ...

Am I just being ageist?

Of course, this is just a survey question completely unrelated to real life. ;)

2006-06-22T13:44:00.000-05:00

They moved around our offices at smerk. I really liked the people I was sitting with before and now I'm next to grumps.

Cosmerker: 'What's that noise? Is it your computer?'
Me: "My fan?"
CS: "Yeah"
Me:"Is it ruining your life?"
CS: Why would you ask a question like that?"
Me: "I meant, is it bothering you?"
(cosmerker ignores me and walks away)

I complain a little sometimes in private, but I'm ALWAYS nice and cheerful at work. Even when our moody secretary is a bitch.

Most people would rather be somewhere else, but why make it worse??

The banality of gregariousness

2006-06-21T15:22:00.000-05:00

During my 10-minute smoke break I heard the words, "gregarious" and "golly" used.

I love gregarious but I've never heard anyone say it aloud, in a real life conversation.

And the golly lady was over 50.

My absolute favorite word is "banal." Look it up.

(and yes, I realize "banality" may not be an actual form of that word)

UPDATE (the crazy ex)

2006-06-19T11:11:00.000-05:00

He's going to be in town in September for a 10-year-class reunion. Do I see him?

(and I'm considering quitting my blog to try to find another outlet for my rants and "creative" energy- it's just a thought, for now)

Honkie-tonk-bedonkie-donk

2006-06-16T13:58:00.000-05:00

JUST KIDDING!

I'm NOT really going to see Trace Atkins tonight, but I am going to a pre-party that is celebrating the arrival of Trace Atkins. (I wonder how many people will now come upon my site after Googling Trace Atkins TRACE ATKINS TRACE ATKINS TRACE ATKINS)

Then I am riding all of the rides that are included in my $10 fair entrance fee.

Next, I will sober up in the beer tent. (no joke - who's seen me drink a beer? NO PERSON, COME ON)

I will reminisce of my fair pageant days and wish that I could cheer for the very average girls who work way to hard to compete in a county fair pageant.

I will wake up Saturday morning, go to my expensive haircut, buy some more liquor, lay by the pool, come home, balance my checkbook and wonder how the hell I spent so much money in the three days since I got paid.

Then I will pretend staying in Saturday night reading will make up for all the lost money.

(Currently listening to "Ballad of the Thin Man" - my current fave Dylan song -- sometimes I think going electric was one of the sexist things Dylan ever did. I know)

the past

2006-06-14T08:03:00.000-05:00

My crazy ex-boyfriend found me on myspace.

(photo for your pleasure)

The last time I saw him in real life was when I was down in Florida four years ago. He told me my friends and I would have to stay in a hotel because he "didn't care about meeting them, he only wanted to see me."

We went for a walk on the beach to spend some time together and catch up -- he kissed me, just to make sure he could. He talked about how we would one day get married and have kids together.

"But Nick, you know I don't want children."

"You'll have my children." (this wasn't completely a joke)

We used to get in raging fights. One time he threw a remote control at me and it exploded less than a foot from my head.

Example of his insanity:
When I was in college and he had first moved down to Florida, he told me that one of his cats had died.

A few months later he mentioned his two cats. I said that I thought Kitty had died. He laughed and said, "Oh, I just told you that to see what you'd say."

Who lies about their cat dying??

He came through town last year, on his way to visit his dad in MN. I HID. I told my mom to lie when he called and say I was out. He kept calling and she kept lying. I was convinced he would just stop by.

I told her that I was really sorry to put her in the position, but if he came tot he door, I would hide in the basement until he left.

He didn't stop by and when he sent me the message (this is one of his profile pictures) I thought he was still in Florida, a 24-hour-drive. He moved to MN.

I feel okay about talking to him for now, but if he comes through IL, I still plan to hide.

I'm a bad person today because ...

2006-06-13T07:58:00.000-05:00

I can't bring myself to pick up my large dog's warm, squishly poop with a bag over my hand at the park.

Tying (the cherry stem) knot

2006-06-09T10:21:00.000-05:00

Last night I popped a cherry stem in my mouth ... and tied it in a knot!! Yay for me. I'm so excited. It took me a few minutes but now I'm a champ.

I don't have a photo of this momentous event but I found one online.

I always have to steal my kisses from you

2006-06-08T10:24:00.000-05:00

My mouth is regular-sized, but my smile is mini.

Happy HNT! (The People Vs. Larry Flint was on TV last night -
I was reminded how much I love it and
how awesome Courtney Love can be-- go rent it!:)

TMI Tuesday

2006-06-06T10:00:00.000-05:00

http://stoppingtraffic.blogspot.com/

1. My biggest sexual turnoff is __________?

Where should I begin? I hate long toenails, unkempt pubic hair, a lot of hair anywhere, men in a hurry, bad kissers.

2. Do you think being virgins when married would make your marriage more trustworthy and/or special?

No, I think it would be weird and make me even more nervous to commit to someone. Every guy needs a test drive.

3. What is the best flirting technique: innuendo, telling a dirty joke, talking about sex life, or physical contact?

I'm not much of a flirt, but when I'm interested in someone I probably show them extra attention and do some ego stroking.

4. How long before you sleep together? (um, that's meant to be funny...)

I think this is a joke question. In real life, if I like a guy and actually would consider dating him, I'd wait a little while.

5. What do you think the average number of sexual partners your sex has in their lifetime (so for me a female)? Do you think most people lie when asked?

I think most women sleep with around 10-15 in their lifetime. Less if they get married really early and much more if they spend more time single.

Bonus (as in "optional"): When you climax, the best thing your partner can do to make it even better is ___________?

Just don't quit whatever he is doing at that exact moment!

History repeats itself

2006-06-05T15:32:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that we have a president that opposes gay marriage. And even worse, enough Americans agree with him that he can express these opinions openly.

How gross are we? This is 2006, we know better. Did our country learn nothing from oppressing black/Chinese/Japanese/Irish/American Indian (etc.) people??? Discrimination was a mistake in the past and it is a mistake today.

Once again, I'm embarrassed to be an American.

elfin

2006-06-01T10:30:00.000-05:00

My left cheek is not weird and hairy, contrary to what the shadow in this photo may have you believe. My left ear, however, does have an odd elf point.

Happy HNT!

TMI Tuesday

2006-05-30T10:19:00.000-05:00

I can't find the rules for this, but I found this through a comment Professor Fate left on my last HNT post. It looks like stoppingtraffic started it.

1. Have you ever been nude/semi-nude in public(sunbathing/photoshoot/streaking...)?
I've danced (okay, mostly ran around) naked in the rain. Also, I think you're in the minority if you have not seen my breasts. There are no naked pictures (unless above-water skinny-dipping ones count) and I haven't really had an opportunity to sunbathe nude. More than you wanted to know, eh?

2. Have you ever had sex at your workplace?
No. Although I used to work at a church and when I was younger, it was a long-time fantasy of mine to do it in a church. I didn't have the balls and it wasn't worth getting caught. (it also wasn't a catholic church, which takes away a lot of the luster)

3. Do you ask your partners to take an AIDS test or ask if they have?
Before unprotected sex, yes. I figure I took my share of risks in college and I feel I have used of the majority of my "get out of jail free" cards.

4. Ever tried a beer bong ?
No. I don't drink beer. Anyone willing to "teach" me how?

5. Have you ever spread a rumor about your ex or ex's new gf/bf?
No, but when I was younger I'm sure I said some pretty terrible half-truths about them.

Bonus (as in "optional"): What are your views about circumcision??
I've slept with one guy who was uncircumcised. He was a rockstar (okay, raging slut) in bed, but I found out I definitely prefer a trimmed head.

Your chances of getting married after age 35 are less than 5%

2006-05-30T08:02:00.000-05:00

I just read this article on msnbc.com Okay, I didn't have the stomach to actually read it, so I skimmed it. Here are some of the most offensive lines/statistics (completely taken out of context for maximum offensive potential:

According to the research, a woman who remained single at 30 had only a 20 percent chance of ever marrying. By 35, the probability dropped to 5 percent
NEWSWEEK reported that a 40-year-old single woman was "more likely to be killed by a terrorist"
Three researchersÂNeil Bennett, David Bloom and Patricia CraigÂbegan exploring why so many women weren't marrying in their 20s, as most Americans traditionally had. Would these women still marry someday, or not at all?
Within months Census researchers did their own study and concluded that a 40-year-old single woman really had a 17 to 23 percent probability of eventually marrying, not 2.6 percent.

It's early and I don't have the energy or mental clarity to say anything of real substance on this, but it does creep me out how marriagobsesseded our society is, that there is a four-page article about women marrying, or not marrying, later in life.

Give us a break people. I just saw something over the weekend about "pro-ana" and "pro-mia" sites where people don't get help for eating disorders, but support for thdiseasese. The sites are part of a group of women who are pro eating disorders.

How sad.

And how sad is it that instead of filling this space with an important issue, a person's accomplishment, a social issue, art - that this articlexiststs and that I read it.

I couldn't keep these to myself

2006-05-26T13:50:00.000-05:00

Summer concert

2006-05-25T15:04:00.000-05:00

I just noticed that Ben Harper tickets are still on sale for Chicago, August 27th.

Atmosphere was awesome earlier this month with Anna and Jeff, I wish I could have tracked down the friends I ran into after the show so they could have got tickets and went up with me.

So I'm making another Ben announcement. If you want to go, get some tickets and let us know. It's on a Sunday, at the Charter One Pavilion at Northerly Island. I don't know what/where that is, but it's outside and it will be great.

It looks I'll be at an Editor's Summer Camp a few days before the show, as training for work. It looks good, but on the "to-bring" list sunscreen is listed next to a digital camera and a laptop.

I'm not really into the real life sun, or rather, the heat. Have you seen me in the heat? I melt. I hope it turns out well.

How tan is too tan?

2006-05-25T08:31:00.000-05:00

Last week on HNT we were supposed to repost our first photo to celebrate HNT's first anniversary. And a new one.

I'm a week late and don't have a new one. For last week or this week.

Please forgive me.

UPDATE

2006-05-23T11:20:00.000-05:00

My Sallie Mae loan isn't eligible for federal consolidation. I assume I took that one out because my parents made "too much" for a federal loan. It looks like I am stuck with two loan payments, from two different companies (totally about $300/month).

HOWEVER, if I enroll in school half time, I can defer my Sallie Mae one, and I assume the Direct one too. I think I would keep paying the Direct one, since it's only about $100/month and defer the Sallie Mae one. But the bottom line is that sometime, I am going to need to step it up and pay an ass load of money if I ever want to pay it off.

Fuck private schools.

Money matters and I need help

2006-05-23T08:03:00.000-05:00

I know I need to do something with my student loans before June (July?) first, but I have no idea what.

I have a Sallie Mae loan that's at 8% percent (which are actually two loans for $7,000 and $19,000) and a Direct Loan that is at about 3ish percent (one loan for $26,000).

I called the Direct Loan people and they said that by consolidating them, I get the average of the two loans. I have no idea if either of the rates are locked in, or how I do that, but I assume that if the Direct Loan is locked, I should leave it and consolidate the Sallie Mae one with something else.

Any suggestions? I'm lost. :(

oink oink YUM

2006-05-22T08:22:00.000-05:00

I plan to real life post later today. But for now - my pig. I created him here . As you can see, there was no erase option, so he looks a little like he was sliced left to right and left for dead. I'm also unsure of the actual size of pig ears, so these may not be true to life.

I am most proud of his piggy nose, and his tail (which is partially obstructed by his right leg).

Just because it would fit in there doesn't mean you should actually put it in ...

2006-05-11T08:25:00.000-05:00

In college, I had a roommate (Kelly) who had the most perfect, thin, ski-jump nose. Although her dad is a famous musician, I believe the nose was 100% hers.

I wish I had a photo online to post. She also had the most perfect real-life D-size breasts ...

My first real boyfriend (Nick) told me I had a piggy nose. I know, he was a sweetheart. He would also tell me whenever I gained a pound or two- he was extremely thoughtful - I have a whole book's worth of charming stories about him.

These are pictures of my nose, my favorite facial feature. *Oink! Oink!*

---------------------------------------

Although I enjoy my cute, "piggy" nose, here is a list I found of typical nose complaints:

too large
too flat
too humped
too wide or fat
too thin
too long
too short
too pinched looking
scooped
hanging columella
breathing problems
crooked
asymmetry, in general
bumps
a bifid (BEYE-fid) tip (where there is a ditch between the two tip cartilages, sometimes horribly referred to as "buttnose")
dents
scar tissue build up from breaks
hooked
"piggish"
pointy
bulbous
not angled enough
angled too much
career advancement (borderline)

Apparently, these are rational complaints. (I haven't received a raise my because my nose isn't professional enough - I knew it!)

Here's a list of unhealthy, irrational ones:

wanting more 'dates' or to attract a mate
gain popularity
Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) or other self image disorders
low self esteem due to emotional issues without apparent reason
weight problems
eating disorders
deficient chin
deficient jaw/mandible
weak or prominent maxilla (upper jaw)
for someone else
career advancement (borderline)

I'm not even going to comment on this list.

Popped Cherry

2006-05-10T14:11:00.000-05:00

My stat counter picked up this: http://www.bloglines.com/public_display?username=Marie&sub=23129902&site=1548729

It also informed me that you may have found my site by searching "shit happens" or "popped cherry."

I don't really think I discuss popped cherries so much, but this search turns up often.

So what is bloglines and do any of you use it?

Off the top of my (cranky) head

2006-05-08T09:36:00.000-05:00

In case there is someone left that I haven't offended -

1) People with SUVs complaining about gas prices. You drive a damn SUV!! I'll cut you a little slack if you have children or regularly haul cargo, but to everyone else - trade it in or shut the fuck up.

2) People who act like the rest of us without children have no stress or anything meaningful in our lives. Buy some fucking condoms! It's nice that you made it through nine months of pregnancy and childbirth. It's even nicer if you actually planned and budgeted for this special bundle of joy. However, you did not actually accomplish anything spectacular by getting pregnant. I am not a lesser person because I choose not to get pregnant. People have been having babies for a while, you didn't come up with anything new.

3) People who are poor and get free shit (excluding children and the disabled). I'm thousands of dollars in debt from school because my parents make X amount of money. I have NOTHING to do with how much money my parents make and after we graduate, the low income people (who received the low-cost school) and I make the same amount of money. Except they have more disposable income because they have less debt. I do not want to hear about how your shit is free because you have kids/a shitty job/ got divorced. I pay an assload for my health insurance. Don't tell me about your free shit. Get a second job and take out loans like the rest of us.

4) People who drink and drive. I'm not perfect, but I've never downed beers while driving! This is not information that is going to impress a lady. Please don't tell me about how you drove 120 mph to your destination, while downing a 6 pack. Just don't.

In case you haven't noticed, I've been inexplicably angry lately. Expect undue bitchiness and intolerance to continue until it passes.

karma

2006-05-05T09:13:00.000-05:00

Remember that car accident I was in last year?

Yeah, me too.

Earlier this week I ran into an old friend from high school. I've seen him out a few times over the past few years, but we haven't talked much. When I saw him out Tuesday he said,

"The last time I saw you you were in a bad car wreck. Is everything okay?"

Me: "You saw that?"

"Yeah, they almost hit me too."

Me: "They changed their story and my insurance had to cover that. I only had my car for two weeks and it was $3,000 in damage."

"WHAT?? They came out of the parking lot and crossed two lanes."

Me: "Yeah, the cop was a dick and I went to court and just took supervision instead of trying to fight it. No one who saw it would make a statement."

"I'm so sorry. I was late for class. I almost went by your parents house but I drove by and your car wasn't there. I didn't have your number."

Me: "It's okay. It's in the past. It's nice to hear someone else say it wasn't my fault."

"There's no way it was your fault. I'm so sorry. I feel bad."

Me: "It's okay. I'll never drive by a wreck without stopping to give someone my info for court now though."

"Well, I don't stop but I feel really bad about yours and wish I would have tracked you down."

Me: "You didn't know. Don't worry about it."

He asked if my insurance went up and I said I don't know, I'm on my parents and they only charge me $100 a month. He pays $170 a month and only has one ticket on his record. (which I believe is a DUI from a few years ago)

I definitely don't have any DUIs, but $100 sounds pretty good right about now.

Moral of the story, if you see a wreck, please PLEASE PLEASE stop and give the person hit your info in case they need a statement for court. It makes things so much easier and doesn't take that much time out of your day.

HNT

2006-05-04T10:47:00.000-05:00

My hand

And Anne Sexton, because she's my favorite. (and more attractive than Sharon Olds)

Real life last one

2006-05-01T09:18:00.000-05:00

No one likes it when the main character dies in the end, so this would be the real life last one.

Alternate Ending

I kicked out
my therapist and flushed
down the pills. I retired
my razor and washed
all of the spoons.

I stopped counting
the hairs as they fell
from my head. I ripped out
the notebook pages to burn
in a flower pot.

I regained
my sex, quickly
then slowly.

I unmarried
my mattress and took
up a man with good genes
and an IRA.

DONE!

2006-05-01T09:14:00.000-05:00

I finished my final poem for my class! I wanted my character to kill herself, but I couldn't decide how. This is the most complete draft I have so far.

Hell: Part II

I laid
each of my pills out
four for each day
twenty-eight for each week
one hundred and twenty for the month

I laid
them across my mattress
four by four by four down
the lines. I matched my sheets
to compliment their colors and pulled
a nightgown over my head

I laid
each pill across my tongue
one by one by one swallowing
them down to the resident knot
in my stomach. I used
my left hand to pull out
single hairs from my head.

I laid
across the mattress, fleshly made
sheets, feline breaths expanding
the small body pressed against my own
purring in content. I pulled up my dress, fingering
my scars, I grasped my crusted, rusty
razor and carved out the words
“I’m sorry”

books books and more books

2006-04-28T13:05:00.000-05:00

I stole this from Freakazojd and since it looks like she's currently visiting Europe, I don't think she is going to mind.

My litterature snob parts instantly came out when I saw this list.

THE ORIGINAL RULES:
BOLD: What you’ve read
Italics: What you’d like to read
*Asterisks: If you’ve read other works by this writer, but not this particular one
*??Question marks: If you’ve never heard of the writer??

That's too much work, so I am just going to bold what I've read and *asterisk what I would like to read. (Yes, this is a cheap cry for new books. Maybe if you have it you will let me borrow it. :)

Allcott, Louisa May: "Little Women"
Allende, Isabel: "The House of Spirits"
Angelou, Maya: "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
Atwood, Margaret: "Cat's Eye"
Austen, Jane: "Emma"??
Bambara, Toni Cade: "Salt Eaters"
Barnes, Djuna: "Nightwoodde"
Beauvoir, Simone: "The Second Sex"
Blume, Judy: "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret"
Burnett, Frances: "The Secret Garden"
Bronte, Charlotte: "Jane Eyre"
Bronte, Emily: "Wuthering Heights"
Buck, Pearl S.: "The Good Earth"
Byatt, A.S.: "Possession"
Cather, Willa: "My Antonia"
Chopin, Kate: "The Awakening"
Christie, Agatha: "Murder on the Orient Express"
Cisneros, Sandra: "The House on Mango Street"
Clinton, Hillary Rodham: "Living History"
Cooper, Anna Julia: "A Voice From the South"
Danticat, Edwidge: "Breath, Eyes, Memory"
Davis, Angela: "Women, Culture, and Politics"
Desai, Anita: "Clear Light of Day"
Dickinson, Emily: "Collected Poems"
Duncan, Lois: "I Know What You Did Last Summer"
DuMaurier, Daphne: "Rebecca"
Eliot, George: "Middlemarch
Emecheta, Buchi: "Second Class Citizen"
Erdrich, Louise: "Tracks"
Esquivel, Laura: "Like Water for Chocolate"
Flagg, Fannie: "Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café"
Friedan, Betty: "The Feminine Mystique"
Frank, Anne: "Diary of a Young Girl"
Gilman, Charlotte Perkins: "The Yellow Wallpaper"
Gordimer, Nadine: "July's People"
Grafton, Sue: "S is for Silence"
Hamilton, Edith: "Mythology"
Highsmith, Patricia: "The Talented Mr. Ripley"
Hooks, Bella: "Bone Black"
Hurston, Zora Neale: "Dust Tracks on the Road"
Jacobs, Harriet: "Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl"
Jackson, Helen Hunt: "Ramona"
Jackson, Shirley: "The Haunting of Hill House"
Jong, Erica: "Fear of Flying"
Keene, Carolyn: "The Nancy Drew Mysteries"
Kidd, Sue Monk: "The Secret Life of Bees"
Kincaid, Jamaica: "Lucy"
Kingsolver, Barbara: "The Poisonwood Bible"
Kingston, Maxine Hong: "The Woman Warrior"
Larsen, Nella: "Passing"
L'Engle, Madeleine: "A Wrinkle in Time"
Le Guin, Ursula K.: "The Left Hand of Darkness"
Lee, Harper: "To Kill a Mockingbird"
Lessing, Doris: "The Golden Notebook"
Lively, Penelope: "Moon Tiger"
Lorde, Audre: "The Cancer Journals"
Martin, Ann M.: "The Babysitters Club Series"
McCullers, Carson: "The Member of the Wedding"
McMillan, Terry: "Disappearing Acts
Markandaya, Kamala: "Nectar in a Sieve"
Marshall, Paule: "Brown Girl, Brownstones"
Mitchell, Margaret: "Gone with the Wind"
Montgomery, Lucy Maud: "Anne of Green Gables"
Morgan, Joan: "When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost"
*Morrison, Toni: "Song of Solomon"
Murasaki, Lady Shikibu: "The Tale of Genji"
Munro, Alice: "Lives of Girls and Women"
Murdoch, Iris: "Severed Head"
Naylor, Gloria: "Mama Day"
Niffenegger, Audrey: "The Time Traveller's Wife"
Oates, Joyce Carol: "We Were the Mulvaneys"
O'Connor, Flannery: "A Good Man is Hard to Find"
Piercy, Marge: "Woman on the Edge of Time"
Picoult, Jodi: "My Sister's Keeper
Plath, Sylvia: "The Bell Jar"
Porter, Katharine Anne: "Ship of Fools"
Proulx, E. Annie: "The Shipping News"
Rand, Ayn: "The Fountainhead"
Ray, Rachel: "365: No Repeats
Rhys, Jean: "Wide Sargasso Sea"
Robinson, Marilynne: "Housekeeping"
Rocha, Sharon: "For Laci"
Sebold, Alice: "The Lovely Bones"
Shelley, Mary: "Frankenstein"
*Smith, Betty: "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn"
Smith, Zadie: "White Teeth"
Spark, Muriel: "The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie"
Spyri, Johanna: "Heidi"
Strout, Elizabeth: "Amy and Isabelle"
Steel, Danielle: "The House"
*Tan, Amy: "The Joy Luck Club"
Tannen, Deborah: "You're Wearing That"
Ulrich, Laurel: "A Midwife's Tale"
Urquhart, Jane: "Away"
Walker, Alice: "The Temple of My Familiar"
Welty, Eudora: "One Writer's Beginnings
Wharton, Edith: "Age of Innocence"
Wilder, Laura Ingalls: "Little House in the Big Woods"
Wollstonecraft, Mary: "A Vindication of the Rights of Women"
Woolf, Virginia: "A Room of One's Own"

I didn't check to see where this list came from, but it looks like someone just took a womens' studies class.

Title suggestions??

2006-04-28T08:08:00.000-05:00

I finally came up with something to end my project for my class. I know, I know, you're holding your breath and peeing your pants in anticipation. It's not ready to show yet, but to hold you over, I'm posting a revision of another piece from the project.

-----------------------------------------------------

“Sleep here,” she slurred.
Patting her half-removed
duvet cover crumpled in
itself, falling off the bed’s edge.

Between the sheets
her hesitation evaporated
in sucked breathes and hard
exhales. His arm laid
across her shuddering stomach coming
to rest beneath her breasts.

(Number nineteen or the big two-O?)
The double digit did not diminish
the significance of each man as he left
his footprint in her
memory.

His trail became more marked
and striking each time he came.

Her arrival was later. Harder
moans flew from her mouth in surprise
she shivered, coming again
and again. Her eyes rolled back
stretched stark.

She occupied this thing
that filled dripping in
exhaustion. Recoiling

she recalled how long
she had held it in. Her past
sticking in the glue of regret, shook
free.

I need to take some new pictures

2006-04-27T14:13:00.000-05:00

Chin was correct -- although the enlarged pixels ended up making me look veiny. And someone guessed my heel.

I'm just happy for the attention.

And because it looks gross ...

Guess ...

2006-04-27T10:17:00.000-05:00

Guess the body part and I'll post a new one ...

Find out why you should post your own body part here

Lifelong Scavenger Hunt

2006-04-26T12:14:00.000-05:00

PhilO and I exchanged secrets last night in our bi-weekly phone call. Yes, I am aware that I should concentrate on my friends that live in my actual state, but I love the old ones the best.

In the course of our very dirty, unreapeatable conversation we discussed poop, regrettable sex and Catholic confession. But the best part was the discussion of a Lifelong Scavenger Hunt. And since I gave it a google and got nothing, I am giving Phil credit for creating the game.

It came up in the context of having sex with a pregnant woman (which will not be on our list, since I am scared of both catching pregnancy and weirdo pregnant bodies, also because I don't really understand at what point foreplay between two women turned into actual "sex")

He brought it up as in, "That's something that most people can't mark off their Lifelong Scavenger Hunt list."

PhilO has told me that he would like to skip straight past marriage and straight into fatherhood, with a surrogate mother or something - I'm not sure he has fully worked out the logistics of this plan. It works for me because it's less time I have to share him with another woman. Unless she has a daughter. And than I'm just fucked.

So sex with a pregnant woman - off the list, but we're going to come up with a list that is challenging, rewarding and probably secret when we mark off our "accomplishments."

I suggested we both earn our first points by visiting a priest when I go visit and confessing our sins.

He said he would bring a book to read to keep him busy while I finished (low blow). He also said he would not blow the priest to save me from eternal damnation, if it came down to that.

A real friend would to blow a priest to save his good buddy from hell. I can't wait until he needs a favor bj.

Poem Monday

2006-04-24T12:40:00.000-05:00

I should blog about the awesome Bob Dylan concert I went to last week, not realizing the zoo was inside the park and asking directions two blocks from the actual location. I should tell you about how parking was free and the bottle of white zin I drank before the show, th cop that pulled me over after the show, and taking an exist at 1 a.m. that was actually pointed south and added 20 minutes onto my driving tim (which is A LOT when you have to wake up for work the next day)

I want to complain about how people never change and that once I see certain sides of someone that I know I should write them off but too often I give them more chances, reminding myself of all the mistakes I've made.

But instead, a new creepy poem:

Suicide Trivia

I know you're tired
of finding out facts

Broken Bic razors slice flesh
better than most box cutters

I noticed you only use forks
and knives when you come to dinner
after you found the kitchen spoon
lying across my bathroom floor

I stood still and watched
as you covered your ears
(among other parts)
and dropped your eyes down
when I told you that a single person
can make it through sex
with over 30 men
and live to make you cringe

I don't expect you to believe me
when I smoke pot, exhaling
that it's easier
than finding a doctor
to refill a few Adivan

Because there's no need to worry
about the bottle of sleeping pills
I keep in my bedside drawer

Even all 30 of them
have the power to do nothing
but make me sick

Half-Nekkid (crooked) boobs

2006-04-20T08:42:00.000-05:00

In real life, with my shirt off, my breasts look the same size. I promise.

Find out more ...

Sometimes I really would prefer to go back to 18 and do it over

2006-04-19T08:00:00.000-05:00

I spoke with my long poem professor last night after class about grad school, etc. To make a long story short(ish) I need to get a second bachelor's, in English.

My $100,000 B.S. in psychology is pretty much useless to me.

He said that if I want to get into a good MFA/MA program for creative writing, with a TA position that I need to take some more English classes, a foreign language and get good grades.

I've never received below a B in an English class (which may be unbelievable, considering my poor spelling and grammar on this blog!), so I'm not concerned with making the grades. He said I should have all the gen eds covered and my lower level English classes. (one of my minors was in creative writing) I assume it will take about two years, including summers. I need to get a copy of my transcript from my undergrad degree and make sure all these things will transfer, he made it sound like he'd bend the rules wherever he could.

I also need to look into French classes. I tried taking French in HS, and Spanish in both HS and college - neither of them worked out. I ended up with Cs or Ds in the HS class and dropped the college one, and changed my B.A. to a B.S. I also need to figure out if I can get my company to pay for this, or most of it. If they don't, I need to look into eventually quitting (soon) and going back to school full time.

So that's the update in my life. It's a little (very) overwhelming.

I'm also going to start Poetry Wednesdays, or Mondays - I haven't decided which day of the week yet and I assume I will be the only participant.

Here's one for today to hold you over. (hah!)

--------------------------------------------------------

Why the snooze button is picked out of my alarm clock

6 a.m.
I saved Tibet
Chinese retreated gave
back the temples
and a million men with Dalai Lama faces
smiled at me in gratitude

6:15 a.m.
I stabbed a dog
in the neck, missed
and split his mouth wide
like a bent book spine

he chased me in my terror
I sliced his throat
to save my life I did it
over and over and over
his jaw gaped gurgling
and detached

Movie reviews

2006-04-17T11:09:00.000-05:00

Once again, I'm broke. Well, not completely, but I'm trying to avoid completely. And I haven't even started saving for my Seattle trip.

To avoid spending money on liquor (I swear all my money goes to Captain and vodka!) I stayed in and rented movies. A LOT of movies.

Laura and I started watching the Chronicles of Narnia Friday night. I couldn't get into it. Saturday I went out and bought Brokeback Mountain. It was really good. The gay sex was kinda hot but probably more so disturbing. My mom went on about how she would rather watch two women getting it on and was ruining my moment. I told her that if she couldn't keep her lesbian fantasies to herself that I would go watch it in the other room.

So yes, violent, disturbing gay sex, but good movie. I've also seen Crash and think Walk the Line should have won the best picture Oscar.

I watched the Exorcism of Emily Rose. I heard it was super-scary. Not so much. The movie was okay but I still slept with the light out. I don't really believe in that stuff, which made it less believable to me. (Yes, I realize it was based on a true story, but I'm not down with demon possession)

I saw Capote, which was good, but I think you have to be a huge Truman Capote fan to love it. I read In Cold Blood a few years ago and was disappointed by the story. I felt it went into excruciating details regarding the murders and gave very little insight to the minds of the killers.

For fun, I also rented Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Generally, I'm kind of a movie snob and love nerdy documentaries and movies like Sylvia, which I'm going to have to buy offline because I can't find it in any store.

Smith was good. The action kept it moving and Brad Pitt gets hotter as her gets older. In 30 years he'll be the next Sean Connery (hopefully, minus the wife beating).

I know, I'm not going to score any jobs as a movie critic, but here's some ideas in case you plan on renting any this weekend.

Meet the Barkers on CSI

2006-04-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

Travis Barker from Blink 182 and his wife Shanna were on CSI last night. Travis wasn't so good but his wife rocked!

I don't listen to Blink but I have seen Meet the Barkers and they're pretty damn cute.

He played a rapper and they barely gave im any lines, probably because he is awful. But his wife played his agent or press person or something, she had a few and did really well.

That's not much of a blog, but its the best I can do for now. I appreciate both of my readers for checking it out.

Make my brown eyes blue

2006-04-13T08:43:00.000-05:00

I think my eyes (along with my ears! maybe I will feature those next week) are two different sizes.

DO IT

Music reminder

2006-04-13T08:16:00.000-05:00

Dylan is just a week away! Little Chrissy and I might stop by the zoo first. Here's a photo a young Bobby D. - just for fun.

Anna, Jeff and I also have Atmosphere tickets and Ben Harper ones. Both are general admission and YOU should go.

Slug -- not as hot as Bob, but not bad.

Ben - also not an eyesore.

Maybe we can invite them to HNT?

Chalk drawings

2006-04-12T08:19:00.000-05:00

Everyone enjoys playing with chalk. This guy is just way better at it.

This is the view from the opposite side.

These were drawn on a sidewalk.

The guy's name is Julian Beever and has done these all over the U.S. and Europe. Check out how people are avoiding the "hole."

Showing my age

2006-04-10T11:16:00.000-05:00

Last week at the tanning salon this kid says, "Hey, is that Gwen Stefani?" I had no idea that he was talking to me.

Or why there was a very black person at the tanning place. If I was black, I would slather myself in sunscreen every morning, noon and night - I would bask in my natural color and be wrinkle-free at age 80.

I was carrying one of my 10 million Marilyn Monroe purses (OK, I really have about five) and he thought that was Marilyn Monroe was Gwen Stefani. He looked around 16 - I don't even have 10 years on him and kids are now confusing Marilyn with Gwen Stefani.

Wow.

Poetry project

2006-04-07T11:08:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to wrap up my project for my long poem class.

Instead of writing a single long poem (like William Carlos William's Patterson - I couldn't even get through it!), I'm writing a book length story (in shorter poems) that shows the cycles of mania and depression of bi-polar disorder. (Hey, maybe I will make some use of my psych degree) Even crazy, they're still dirty poems with lots of sex. And I try to give the narrator nearly every ailment possible, she may contract smallpox and lose a limb from gangrene next.

Of course I cheat and use some rewrites from the stuff I wrote as an undergrad, but there's no way my professor will ever know.

Other projects in my class: poems based on the creation of earth - from Dante and the bible, the life of Shakespeare's character Desdamona, and the portrayal of social issues using a hamster and his young adult owner.

This is a revision of something I wrote for an assignment during my B.S. It's based off a poem I wrote off of a poem another girl originally wrote. Stacy (the other poet), was a really good writer, but annoyed the hell out of me with her clean-christian-pureness. So I dirtied it up.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Between the Seats

As the boy tugged tirelessly
at the Cross Your Heart clasp
I felt comforted by the label
(I am a good girl)
and his inexperience

I waited, wanting
to rip the bra from my breasts,
fling my nearly-nude body
through the unlocked door,
dance across the car’s hood, screaming
"I am still a virgin!”

Instead, I remain poised, appropriate
for the backseat of an ’87 Escort.

Asleep, my right arm tucked
under my semi- horizontal form,
my neck cramped in a way I knew would ache
for days.

Half-Nekkid Hair

2006-04-06T12:10:00.000-05:00

I know, my posts have been week. I'll try harder in the future. I missed another meeting today and finally turned on my online meeting notification. This could be an across the bar initiative - following through.

Wouldn't that be amazing?

What I'm trying to say is: I may not be good, but at least I've become HNT reliable.

Click the hot belly for info about how you can become your own kind of Half-Nekkid reliable.

And I can't get that hour and a half back

2006-04-04T15:33:00.000-05:00

It's pretty sad when you're bored to tears during a communication seminar about effective, engaging communications strategies.